Joey Chestnut is a competitive eater and sixteen-time winner of the annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. 
I’m the Joey Chestnut of basketball. 
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Do I perhaps dunk basketballs in ranch before wolfing them down whole in twenty-four seconds flat? 
No. That would make me the Joey Chestnut of eating basketballs. I’m the Joey Chestnut of basketball. 
What does this mean? Picture Joey Chestnut with a hot dog in his hands. He’s about to swallow it whole. Now, replace that hot dog with a basketball, and imagine Joey Chestnut is not planning to eat it. That’s me. The Joey Chestnut of basketball. 
If you’re still confused, imagine Michael Jordan suspended two feet in the air, about to take the iconic game-winning shot in Game 5 of the 1989 Eastern Conference First Round Series between the Chicago Bulls and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Now, replace Michael Jordan with Joey Chestnut. Are you starting to get the picture? 
Are you still confused? Let me give you a different example. Imagine that I am the Tiger Woods of steaks. Are you imagining Tiger Woods holding a tomahawk ribeye instead of a nine iron? If so, you’re really starting to get the hang of this. 
Now, replace Tiger Woods with Joey Chestnut, and replace the tomahawk ribeye with a basketball. 
If you’re still confused, don’t blame me. I never claimed to be the Joey Chestnut of explaining things well. I’m just the Joey Chestnut of basketball.

Joey Chestnut is a competitive eater and sixteen-time winner...

Joey Chestnut

Neil Klugman and Brenda Patimkin met days after Neil finished his time machine. At first, the exclusivity masked itself as novelty. “What should we do tonight?” Brenda would ask, knowing Neil wouldn’t wait to get to his second thought. He’d reply “Sal’s?” and Brenda would confirm, “2004.” Sal’s was much cheaper in 2004. 
 
Neil and Brenda indulged in the VIP wristband that stood before them and took up most of Neil’s bedroom. They got front row seats to the Hindenburg disaster. They figured out which religion’s version of God was the right one. They prevented the Holocaust. They watched The Butterfly Effect and undid their undoing of the Holocaust. 
 
“I want to bring you somewhere,” Neil confessed one night after a 2078 visit to Sal’s. 
 
“Where?” Brenda asked. 
 
“I want you to meet me as a kid. There’s something I think about a lot, and I think you’d understand me better if you saw it for yourself.” Neil spoke fluently, as if he’d meant to ask a thousand times already. “Can I show you?” 
 
Neil and Brenda climbed into the time machine, and he set it to 1995. A lot of people think time travel is instantaneous, but it literally takes six hours to take a plane from Boston to Los Angeles. You think traveling through time is faster than planes? Wrong. Time travel is no different: It takes three nanoseconds to go back to 1995 and six hours to travel from Boston to Los Angeles where Neil grew up. 
 
“I wish we could’ve Uber’d to your house,” Brenda joked as she got out of the 30-minute cab ride that cost $12. 
 
“Shh, don’t let them hear us,” Neil whispered, gesturing to little Neil who was facing four slightly taller boys. Between them was an injured bird. Boy #1 removed his monocle to taunt little Neil, “It’s better to put it out of its misery!” Boy #2 pounded his heel into the ground and shouted, “I want to see bird guts!” Boy #3 only let out a raspberry. And Boy #4 did not know how to bully. 
 
Little Neil mustered his courage and brought a hammer upon the bird. The boys’ callousness quickly turned to disgust, but their contempt stayed steadily aimed at Neil. 
 
Neil and Brenda hid behind a house so the boys wouldn’t see them. “You see?” Neil asked. “It’s funny, seeing it now as a thirty-four-year-old man, I can see that that bird wasn’t going to make it. It honestly looked kind of dead before I hit it with the hammer. What a relief. I’ve felt guilty about that forever.” 
 
“You should.” Brenda retorted. “That was majorly fucked up.” 
 
“W-what?” Neil stuttered. 
 
Just then, little Neil approached the couple and, through his tears, mumbled, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you both look sad. Do you need help?” 
 
“Murderer!” Brenda yelled. 
 
It was an awkward time travel back to Boston 2024. As soon as they got home, Brenda packed her things and left. Neil didn’t go on another date for ten years. He time traveled to 2034 to make the time go by faster. 
 
• • • 
 
In 2034, Neil met Florence, who was born in 2007 if you’re keeping track. A few weeks in, Neil posed the question: “Can I bring you somewhere?” Soon Neil and Florence stood in front of Neil’s childhood home in 1995. 
 
“What are those kids doing over there?” Florence asked. 
 
“Don’t mind them! Watch, she’s about to do it.” From behind a tree, Neil and Florence watched Brenda scold Neil. “She calls me a murderer and everything. I haven’t stopped thinking about it for ten years. Now you can finally understand this part of me.” 
 
“Wow. You’ve been thinking about another woman for ten years? By the way, what you did to that bird was seriously fucked up.” 
 
• • • 
 
After Florence left him, Neil gave up on love for ten days. He paused time so that he could grieve properly. 
 
Neil met Carry at a family reunion when Neil’s brother hired her catering company. Ugh, nepotism. 
 
“Why’d’ya wanna show me this?” Carry asked Neil. “That second bitch is right. Hell, if you brought me to 1995 just to watch another woman leave ya, you’d damn sure be sorry. While I have you for a sec—and I’m sorry to bring this up on vacation—I don’t think this is working.” 
 
• • • 
 
“You brought me here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you?” By this point, Neil had learned from his mistakes and changed the time travel mechanics such that one had to embrace their travel companion in order to make it back safely. Neil’s guest stayed in 1995. 
 
Neil planned one last trip. By now, Neil had Delta SkyMiles Diamond Medallion status, so he almost always got upgraded to Delta One. He never hesitated to book a flight or litter. Neil made it back to 1995, the day before everyone else. He took the bird from the drawer little Neil was keeping it in and hid it in a nearby forest. 
 
When Neil returned to 2024, he didn’t have any memory of killing the bird. Brenda had left him for some other reason, probably because he built a time machine and only uses it for dates. 
 
Free from the guilt of killing a bird, Neil was imperceptibly happier, and that bird suffered for much longer.

Neil Klugman and Brenda Patimkin met days after...

How To Get Delta SkyMiles Diamond Medallion Status

I’m almost identical to Sisyphus, except my curse is to eternally smoke an infinitely long cigarette all the time.
 
This all happened because I made a wish to the cigarette fairy, who’s like the tooth fairy except she’s a woman named Sue who’s really pale and balding, and instead of leaving you money in exchange for teeth she just comes to your house and knocks things over. I wished for a second bathroom in my apartment so my roommate Andy wouldn’t keep walking through my room to get to the bathroom in the mornings. He walks through like eight times within ten minutes, and when I confronted him he was like “I have to take out my retainer, that's why.” Fuck that guy. 
 
Anyways, the cigarette fairy gave me a really long cigarette instead. I thought it was because I wasn’t specific enough with the wording of my wish or something, but it’s just that the cigarette fairy doesn’t play by the rules.
 
I thought having this cigarette would be cool, but there are actually some big drawbacks. It makes it really hard to do things like turn my head to the left or right, because the infinitely long cigarette will bump into things like lamps and drawers. When it rains, the cigarette doesn’t go out, but it does get all limp and wet and then I have to drag it behind me. Also, one time an alien grabbed the end of the cigarette and pulled real hard. 
 
I saw the cigarette fairy the other day in a Best Buy parking lot, siphoning gasoline out of a cop car with a straw. When I confronted her about putting an infinitely long cigarette in my mouth forever, she just ignored me and then went back to my apartment and roughed up my couch. 
 
Worst part is, I’ve never gotten a hit from the cigarette, because the only way to light it is to point it directly at the sun.

I’m almost identical to Sisyphus, except...

Sisyphus

- Would you still date me if I had feet for hands and hands for feet? 
- Babe, I would love you even more because you’d be even more unique. 
- What if I had a disease that made my skin blue? Would you still date me then? 
- I don’t care if your skin is blue, white, ivory or beige. 
- What if I hated your dog, like, hypothetically? Maybe if I wanted to give it to a shelter? 
- I…I mean I guess I’d still date you yeah. But there’s no way you would actually do that haha. 
- Haha and what if I like, put him down this morning? And gave him a Hindu funeral? 
- Wait, what? 
- Would you still date me if I had a tail and spikes? 
- Yeah whatever, sure but I--I mean did you put down my dog? He’s not even spiritual why would you do that to him-- 
- Would you still date me if I was a little kid? 
- Sure but my dog what the fuck did-- 
- Woah. 
- … 
- You’re fucked up. We’re done.

Would you still date me if I had feet for hands...

Conditional Love

Jim: Hey, Dave? You know that unicorn piñata we just filled? 
Dave: Mhm. 
Jim: Well I think we might’ve accidentally filled it using the bee pile instead of the candy pile. 
Dave: Oh, man. 
Jim: Dave, did you hear me? We put bees in a piñata. Little Tina’s piñata. 
Dave: At least we pulled from the dead bee pile. 
Jim: No Dave. The dead bee pile is huge still. We pulled straight from the live bees. 
Dave: Jim this is going to be pretty bad. 
Jim: Pretty bad? This is the third time this week. What are we going to do? 
Dave: I’m going to move the dead bee pile away from the licorice pile. 
Jim: Nevermind that right now. We have to fix—Dave, you're getting dead bees everywhere. 
Dave: Sorry. It’s just really hard to move piles. 
Jim: It’s okay. Just clean the dead bees off before putting them—Jesus Dave, are you alright? 
Dave: Jim I think I’ve been eating live bees all day instead of chocolate. 
Jim: Dave your face is swelling terribly. Can you even breathe? 
Dave: Not much, Jim. I’m scared. 
Jim: Come on, Dave. Let’s get you to the hospital. 
Dave: I’m really not feeling too good, Jim.

Hey, Dave? You know that unicorn piñata...

Imaginary Friends #.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Imaginary Friends #