I’m almost identical to Sisyphus, except my curse is to eternally smoke an infinitely long cigarette all the time.

This all happened because I made a wish to the cigarette fairy, who’s like the tooth fairy except she’s a woman named Sue who’s really pale and balding, and instead of leaving you money in exchange for teeth she just comes to your house and knocks things over. I wished for a second bathroom in my apartment so my roommate Andy wouldn’t keep walking through my room to get to the bathroom in the mornings. He walks through like eight times within ten minutes, and when I confronted him he was like “I have to take out my retainer, that's why.” Fuck that guy.

Anyways, the cigarette fairy gave me a really long cigarette instead. I thought it was because I wasn’t specific enough with the wording of my wish or something, but it’s just that the cigarette fairy doesn’t play by the rules.

I thought having this cigarette would be cool, but there are actually some big drawbacks. It makes it really hard to do things like turn my head to the left or right, because the infinitely long cigarette will bump into things like lamps and drawers. When it rains, the cigarette doesn’t go out, but it does get all limp and wet and then I have to drag it behind me. Also, one time an alien grabbed the end of the cigarette and pulled real hard.

I saw the cigarette fairy the other day in a Best Buy parking lot, siphoning gasoline out of a cop car with a straw. When I confronted her about putting an infinitely long cigarette in my mouth forever, she just ignored me and then went back to my apartment and roughed up my couch.

Worst part is, I’ve never gotten a hit from the cigarette, because the only way to light it is to point it directly at the sun.