Antarctica - There aren’t many permanent residents so the scientists make friends with penguins and even play soccer with them. A penguin doesn’t roll as fast as a traditional ball but it does mate for life.

Great Britain - In England they pronounce “privacy” like “privacy” and “the rest of the world” like “Great Britain.” They also drive on the wrong side. Wheels straight up to the sky.

Provo, Utah - Great place to play hide-n-seek with your wives.

Africa - Africa, like that song, you know the one, super catchy kind of repetitive uhhhhh kind of disco-y bit of a one hit wonder mmm longing for that hurry boy ummm 4thalbum 12:30 flight ooohhhh wild dogs echo in the you know uhhmmmm David Paich Jeff Porcaro bass drum snare drum marimba conga frightened of this thing mmmmmm Nelson Mandela’s funeral hmm dum dum dum da dum da dum ummm oh hang on I’ve almost got it bless the rains down in oh well whatever. 

Italy - Love is a canal in Venice. Italy is the perfect place to fall in love as long as you know how to swim.

Alaska - Great place to hide your wife.

Nepal - Buddhists and Christians both believe in rebirth but I don’t because when I died on Everest I was reborn as a Jew.

Mount Rushmore - Nature is truly amazing. The mountain looks just like people. 

Chicago, Illinois – The “Asia” of Chicago, Illinois.

Asia - Asia, like that song, you know the one, super catchy, bit of a one hit wonder, kind of disco-y oh yes Chicago by Sufjan Stevens.

Norway - Dumpsters? Heavy metal. Cars? Heavy metal. All industrial machinery from Norway? Heavily taxed. Socialism is not a joke. Heavy metal is a joke because it is bad music.

Montana - Great place to hide from the Missouri police. 

Transatlantic Cruise Liner - The great thing about being on a boat is that nobody knows you’re drunk. You can stagger around nauseous and all that anyone will say is, “This guy’s so drunk he thinks he’s on a boat. Someone needs to call him a cab.”