If you’re thinking about joining a classic, hardcore, intense kind of cult, then only think about it because this cult is way more chill. We have some sacred cult rules we abide by, passed down through the generations, and if you don’t want to follow them, that’s totally okay too. Here, we don’t worship a God or ruler. We worship you, my new best friend, so we’ll vibe with whatever floats your boat.

To join the cult, you must pay indulgences every three days. We’ll pawn anything you want to get off your hands. Most of the money will go into my stock portfolio, which will work towards a college fund that I set up in your children’s names. But it’ll also pay for the cult’s whips, cuffs, and gags, which will be used for our hilarious group Halloween costume. This year we’re dressing up as “cult-servants.”

Sex of any kind is frowned upon, unless it’s done in my bedroom where there are lots of pillows, so no one bonks their head. Also, don’t be alarmed by the cameras that I’ve set up all over the room. They’re made of papier-mache and sit there to make the bi-monthly inspectors think we’re kinky enough to keep our cult license.

Though we have a lot of fun, it’s important that we only use the church as a place of devotion. Sotake a seat and internalize our master’s sermon. Or just grab the wireless headphones in front of you and enjoy a wide selection of over 5,000 movies and TV shows. I like Friends. Just make sure not to laugh or curse. Unless you’re having a blast while doing it, in which case I need a recording, so I can be a part of that fun moment too.  

Above all, loyalty is the most important. Always wear your tracking anklet and ear piece, which are part of our new fall clothing line we’re hoping you’ll help advertise. Now look me in the eyes as we bond blood and pledge your life to this cult. Or don’t, but I’ll probably cry until you change your mind.