I have the rare version of the Midas Touch where everything I touch turns into rhombuses. It all started when I ran into the Greek god Dionysus in my backyard, and he offered me anything I wanted. I obviously asked for money, which has turned out awesome. And then later I ate a radioactive rhombus and now I’m stuck in this really weird situation here.

All of a sudden, people treat me differently — for instance, my kids are very quiet because now they are rhombuses, and my wife is afraid of me because of my large teeth and scary eyes, which I’ve always had but she just noticed. I want to use my powers for good, but I’m afraid I can only use my powers for rhombuses.

RHOOOOOOOMBUS! This is the sound someone makes when they turn into a rhombus.

I can’t do normal things anymore. I can’t travel by air because the plane would turn into a rhombus and then the police would arrest me. I can’t smoke cigarettes anymore because have you ever tried smoking a rhombus? It is impossible to pull off without ending up sucking on a rhombus, which is a totally different thing and never what I’m going for. It’s a bad look and is made worse by my aforementioned large teeth and scary eyes.

You know how when we say “the color red,” we could be talking about totally different colors and we wouldn’t even know? This is the kind of thing I would think about if I hadn’t just turned all my friends and the majority of living creatures into rhombuses. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t ever eaten that lousy radioactive rhombus anyway. Man! Rhombuses. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.