My first company-wide meeting as chairman started smoothly, but when I announced my plan to ban unionization at the company, the strangest thing happened. My employees started to band together against me, and I felt a foreign force take control of my body. The indignant voices of my colleagues faded and I heard a strange but familiar voice in my head. It’s time, son.

Show ‘em what you got. The muscles in my body, moving to the beat of a better man’s drum, worked in deft coordination and I found myself standing confidently on the middle of the table. Now pee. Helpless, I felt my leg become damp, and a shocked silence swept the room. For the company.

Everyone’s attention was focused on me and my now fully soaked suit, and the union shills began to falter. You’re a star. Now piss like one, I heard as more liquid than I had ever consumed gushed from my masculine birthright. Embarrassed and lightheaded, I tried desperately to regain control.

Stop fighting. Let go, the voice urged, and I felt myself surrender to the stream. Wave after wave of catharsis rocked my body as I embraced my purpose.

In mere moments, the room was flooded. Panicked, pleading voices were drowned out by my urine. Fully submerged, I saw my dad on the other side of the room, beckoning to me.

The job is done. Control rushed back to my body and I swam towards him, only to be disappointed. No one was there besides the flailing bodies of the employees who could not swim.

As if on cue, the voice returned one final time. I’m proud of you.