Hello kids, thanks for coming out to audition. First, a little bit about me. My unrelenting passion for children’s theater began when I was cast in the double-role of both Dorothy and the Tin Man in my synagogue’s youth theater production of The Dorothy and Tin Man of Oz, The Timeless Tale You Know And Love but It’s Just Dorothy and the Tin Man. 

As I delivered my last line: “There’s no place like home, but I’m from Kansas and I’m also assembled from used car parts,” I clicked my bedazzled slipper three times against the insulation tubes and packets of reflective Capri-Sun pouches duct-taped to my other foot. I was struck by the realization that youth theater was my home. 

You see, I grew up in a theatrical family. Theater runs in my blood, like sickle-cell anemia, and shards of insulation tube, and other people’s blood, which reminds me how truly touched I am to see you all are here.

My mother was a playwright best known for the “fictional” musical: The Dorothy and Tin Man of Oz, The Timeless Tale You Know And Love but It’s Just Dorothy and the Tin Man. Perhaps that rings a bell. You may recall how the concept was stolen and made into a clearly-plagiarized major motion picture, Annie Get Your Gun, based on the scene in The Dorothy where Dorothy has a gun. 

Other memorable scenes include when Dorothy and the Tin Man skip/clank down the yellow brick road, when Dorothy and the Tin Man swim/sink in the Emerald City lake, and when Dorothy and the Tin Man realize that they will die as they lived: solely in the imaginations of myself, my mother, and our audience member.

The most challenging scene, logistically, was the one with the flying monkeys. That’s because there were no flying monkeys, because the only characters were Dorothy and the Tin Man. This would have complicated the plot but thankfully the way my mother wrote it there was no plot.

Another scene I struggled with was the sex scene, which really messed with my head. I’ve been aroused exclusively by steel tubing and electrical wiring, lamp posts, toasters, refrigerators, gates, pennies, tanks, cars, pots and pans, saxophones, dental oh my god yes, dental, oh, god, yes, mm, aaahh dental scrapers- bike frames, pencil sharpeners, guitar strings, industrial castings, and steel wool my entire life. 

Kids, this has been a difficult decision. But I’ve decided to cast myself as the Tin Man and Taylor can be Dorothy. Let’s begin some method acting.

“Oh dear, I appear to be lacking a heart.” Ok Taylor, come over here. I’ll hook you up to the microphone pack and the intravenous blood draw.