Peter Sagal: Thaaaanks Bill, it&rsquo;s the week between Christmas and new years and we here at Wait Wait Don&rsquo;t Tell Me thought it would be fun to do a little recap of the year&hellip; let&rsquo;s invite our first guest Tom to the show! Hey Tom!&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Tom: Hey Peter, thanks for having me on!
&nbsp;
Peter: Tom, how was your year?
&nbsp;
Tom: Thanks Peter, you see everywhere I go people are just kicking each other&rsquo;s ass, just getting their shit rocked left and right. I was in the Kroger parking lot the other day and some guy had another guy&rsquo;s head on the curb and he was just stomping&hellip; bam bam bam&hellip; just going to town on the guy&rsquo;s skull&hellip;

Peter Sagal: Thaaaanks Bill, it’s the week between Christmas and new years and we here at Wait Wait ...

Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me

Good afternoon, parents. Principal Mueller here calling to inform you that your student has been released from classes for the rest of today.&nbsp;
I realize that half days are usually reserved for major events like Yom Kippur, Scott Bennett&rsquo;s dad&rsquo;s funeral, both, or when Timothy Jernigan is glued to the roof of the gym, but you&rsquo;ll never guess what happened: Timmy Jernigan was glued to the gym roof again.
This may feel like an inconvenience to you, but know it is an even bigger inconvenience to us: we can&rsquo;t remember how we got him down last time and he&rsquo;s starting come loose from his hold. While my concern for his health is present, so is my interest in how he&rsquo;ll fare in the free-fall. The physics department has a running bet with the janitorial staff that they&rsquo;ll be able to clean up the mess in under thirty minutes and the biology department eagerly anticipates the dissection. We don&rsquo;t want him to fall, but we sure would like to see it.
As we wait for the boy&rsquo;s descent an investigation has begun into who could have done this. Jernigan&rsquo;s primary bullies&mdash;Mike Argyle, Mark Sinclair, David Atkinson, Chuck Shooler, Leslie Manhattan, James Teigan Jr., James Teigan Sr., Mrs. Teigan, Doyle Eltonson, Nick Minchin, Mick Ninchin, Ninchin McChinmicknin, Steve Robinson(?), the breakfast club, the varsity hockey team, the varsity baseball team, the varsity football team, the varsity football, Mayor Hoskins, the 1980 U.S Olympic ski team, the breakfast crew, Ted Danson from CSI, Handlebar the Hooligan, the Westborough Street Gang, the Eastborough Street Gang, the Northborough Street Tween Coalition, the streets, the School Board, the Superintendent&rsquo;s office, crossing guard Mario, Wheelchair Carry, No-Wheelchair Kyle, Walks-Just-Fine Randall, The Burleson County Student Magician Collective, The Chess Society, The Math Team, The Calculator Club, the admins of the webpage www.kidsstucktothings.com/timmyjernigan, the lunch ladies, the &ldquo;student formerly known as Steve Robinson,&rdquo; Scott Bennett&rsquo;s dad, the student protest movement known as &ldquo;The Fringe,&rdquo; Spike the Janitor, Anonymous, James Murphy, Blake McCormick: former showrunner of the TBS sitcom Cougar Town, the police, the kids Timmy refers to as his &ldquo;boys,&rdquo; Coach Maverick, Coach Leslie, Coach Gomer, Steve Robinson, his direct and extended family, and myself&mdash;have all been questioned in relation to the prank, but no evidence has come forth.&nbsp;
I would like to clarify, that while I have been known to post Timmy&rsquo;s diary entries to the lunchroom bulletin, my past victimization of the kid in no way affects my investigation into this incident. Have a good afternoon.

Good afternoon, parents. Principal Mueller here calling to inform you that your student has been rel...

Half Day

Fortune Teller Comix

Hello kids, thanks for coming out to audition. First, a little bit about me. My unrelenting passion for children&rsquo;s theater began when I was cast in the double-role of both Dorothy and the Tin Man in my synagogue&rsquo;s youth theater production of The Dorothy and Tin Man of Oz, The Timeless Tale You Know And Love but It&rsquo;s Just Dorothy and the Tin Man.&nbsp;
As I delivered my last line: &ldquo;There&rsquo;s no place like home, but I&rsquo;m from Kansas and I&rsquo;m also assembled from used car parts,&rdquo; I clicked my bedazzled slipper three times against the insulation tubes and packets of reflective Capri-Sun pouches duct-taped to my other foot. I was struck by the realization that youth theater was my home.&nbsp;
You see, I grew up in a theatrical family. Theater runs in my blood, like sickle-cell anemia, and shards of insulation tube, and other people&rsquo;s blood, which reminds me how truly touched I am to see you all are here.
My mother was a playwright best known for the &ldquo;fictional&rdquo; musical: The Dorothy and Tin Man of Oz, The Timeless Tale You Know And Love but It&rsquo;s Just Dorothy and the Tin Man. Perhaps that rings a bell. You may recall how the concept was stolen and made into a clearly-plagiarized major motion picture, Annie Get Your Gun, based on the scene in The Dorothy where Dorothy has a gun.&nbsp;
Other memorable scenes include when Dorothy and the Tin Man skip/clank down the yellow brick road, when Dorothy and the Tin Man swim/sink in the Emerald City lake, and when Dorothy and the Tin Man realize that they will die as they lived: solely in the imaginations of myself, my mother, and our audience member.
The most challenging scene, logistically, was the one with the flying monkeys. That&rsquo;s because there were no flying monkeys, because the only characters were Dorothy and the Tin Man. This would have complicated the plot but thankfully the way my mother wrote it there was no plot.
Another scene I struggled with was the sex scene, which really messed with my head. I&rsquo;ve been aroused exclusively by steel tubing and electrical wiring, lamp posts, toasters, refrigerators, gates, pennies, tanks, cars, pots and pans, saxophones, dental oh my god yes, dental, oh, god, yes, mm, aaahh dental scrapers- bike frames, pencil sharpeners, guitar strings, industrial castings, and steel wool my entire life.&nbsp;
Kids, this has been a difficult decision. But I&rsquo;ve decided to cast myself as the Tin Man and Taylor can be Dorothy. Let&rsquo;s begin some method acting.
&ldquo;Oh dear, I appear to be lacking a heart.&rdquo; Ok Taylor, come over here. I&rsquo;ll hook you up to the microphone pack and the intravenous blood draw.

Hello kids, thanks for coming out to audition. First, a little bit about me. My unrelenting passion ...

St. Louis Children’s Theatre Production Company

Movie Theatre

Marco Polo travelled the world trading spices, documenting his experiences.
Today, I entered the city of Kashgar. Rumors preceded the fantastic spice shops that littered the streets, and my taste buds danced in anticipation. What new mysteries might my tongue uncover? Without hesitation, I approached a vendor. He handed me a small jar, and I removed a flake and placed it in my mouth. &ldquo;Yucky spicy,&rdquo; I said, impressed by what I&rsquo;d just tasted. &ldquo;Too hot, ouch! No like,&rdquo; I remarked. If this is was merely the first stop on my tour of Kashgarian spices, I was in for a marvelous adventure.
I proceeded to the next booth, and was handed an interesting green flake. Excitedly, I consumed it. &ldquo;Ow ow owwww. Milk. Need milk!!! Eww. I miss my mom. I need my mom. I love my dad too but I miss my mom right now.&rdquo; Unbelievable. Simply exquisite. I never dreamed that I would stumble into spice heaven.
But there was still one more spice I had to try. The rare Malagashi Pepper. This was the only place in the world I could acquire it. A small, nondescript booth on the outskirts of town gave me what I needed. &ldquo;Gross. This is so gross.&rdquo; The vendor looked at me with an inquisitive smile. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s not even hot it just tastes like shit.&rdquo; I was so excited I could scarcely contain it. &ldquo;My cousin is a garbage truck man with long hair. Do you play Yu-Gi-Oh? I have a cell phone.&rdquo;&nbsp;
While my stay in Kashgar was pleasant, it is time to move on. Still ahead is Lanzhou, and many more cities before I lay my weary head to rest.

Marco Polo travelled the world trading spices, documenting his experiences.
Today, I entered the ci...

Marco Polo

&ndash; Attention please, the presentation by Tajikistan will begin in 5 minutes.
&ndash; (20 minutes later)
&ndash; Ladies and gentlemen, please make your way to the auditorium for the presentation by Tajikistan.
&ndash; (20 minutes later)
&ndash; Ladies and gentlemen, the President of Tajikistan wrote a poem about climate change and he knows that might sound boring to some of you but he&rsquo;ll be very frustrated if not a single person comes to his presentation.
&ndash; (20 minutes later)
&ndash; The President of Tajikistan has flown back to Tajikistan, but he&rsquo;d like to thank you all for a wonderful expo.
&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
&ndash; Whoa, not so fast there. Kosovo isn&rsquo;t a recognized country.
&ndash; Please, our scientists discovered a new treatment for HIV.
&ndash; Hahaha but not smart enough to make your own country, huh?
&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
Announcer: This is BLOOPY, Toyota&rsquo;s newest robot personal assistant!
BLOOPY: Nice&hellip; to&hellip; meet&hellip; you&hellip;&nbsp;
Audience: Aww!
Announcer: And this is the savant who figured out the most ethical way to slaughter robots so they don&rsquo;t feel pain when we harvest their batteries.
Savant: Nice&hellip; to&hellip;&nbsp; meet&hellip; you&hellip;&hellip;&hellip; folks&hellip;&nbsp;
Audience: (hesitant applause)
&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
&ndash; And now the Albanian military will demonstrate their latest weapons.
&ndash; Wait, if the military&rsquo;s here, who&rsquo;s defending Albania?!
&ndash; Oh fuck!!
North Macedonian Army General:(on phone) Guys, I have amazing news.

– Attention please, the presentation by Tajikistan will begin in 5 minutes.
– (20 minutes later)
–...

2019 World Expo

-Well hereeeee you go Mrs. Johnson &mdash; your very own son&rsquo;s ashes.
-Why, doctor, these ashes smell a bit&hellip; fishy.
-Haha, you dumb bastard. Do you kiss your son with that mouth? &lsquo;Cause that&rsquo;s very much who you&rsquo;re holding.
-Doctor, this is&hellip;
EARLIER IN THIS PIECE
-Doctor I finished burning that beach kid.
-You did it all the way this time?
-Yep, to a crisp. No saliva left this time. Burned the shit out of him. He&rsquo;s dead now if not before.
-Good because that was really gross when you gave me the ashes last time and it was just like a bag of spit. Got the ashes with you?
-Yup got &lsquo;em right here in my trusty reusable tote.
-Whoa there, how big was this kid? This is easily five things of ashes.
-See, the kid was brought from the beach with this shark latched onto him. And I thought the shark was pregnant &lsquo;cause it was so huge, so I cut it open and there were easily, and I&rsquo;m not even shitting you doc, several other sharks attached to this kid that I hadn&rsquo;t noticed.
-Don&rsquo;t tell me you burned them. We can&rsquo;t keep giving people animal ashes or animals alive.
-Come on doc, of course not &mdash; if you&rsquo;d let me finish, I was going to burn them with the kid and give them to the mom and lie about it and continue giving people animals for the rest of my life, but the sharks finished eating him as I held him in my hands, so I just had a palm full of sharks and no kid.
-No one is ever going to have your job here again.
-Boy was my face red, doc, believe me.
-I&rsquo;m firing you and deleting this job.
-Anyway I ate the sharks and crushed up a bunch of drywall and aspirin, that&rsquo;s what&rsquo;s in my tote.
-This lady expects her son on her desk by the end of the day. What are we gonna do?
-Well I have some cat litter in my office, we could kill her other son and burn him instead.
Helloooooo, doctorrrrrr?
-Oh crud it&rsquo;s his mom, oh man, oh shoot, awwww fuck. We can&rsquo;t give her this dust you brought.
-Alright I&rsquo;ll dump out the dust and lay in the bag and pretend to be her son
(Door opens)
-Well hereeeee you go Mrs. Johnson &mdash; your very own son&rsquo;s ashes.
-Why, doctor, these ashes smell a bit&hellip; fishy.
-Haha, you dumb bastard. Do you kiss your son with that mouth? &lsquo;Cause that&rsquo;s very much who you&rsquo;re holding.
-Doctor, this is&hellip;
&ndash;(blinking real fast) Is something wrong?
-&hellip; incredible. They look just like him. Thank you so much This is going on the mantle with the others.

-Well hereeeee you go Mrs. Johnson — your very own son’s ashes.
-Why, doctor, these ashes smell a b...

Ashes

Fire Chief: And this here&rsquo;s where we do our laundry&mdash;(alarm goes off) Oof, sorry kids, that means there&rsquo;s a fire somewhere. We&rsquo;re gonna have to take this.
Kids: Can we come!
Fire Chief: No. (slides down pole)
Kids: &hellip;&nbsp;
Teacher: &hellip;&nbsp;
Kids: &hellip;&nbsp;
Fenton: Psst! Cawson.
Carson: What do you want, crap head?
Fenton: I twiple dog dawe you to buwn down duh fiyo depawment.
Carson: No way.
Fenton: Samanta. Hey Samanta!
Samantha: Get away from me.
Fenton: Okay. Hey Gwegowy! Hey.
Gregory: What.
Fenton: If we stawt a fiyo wight hewe duh fiyofitos will have to come back and finish duh touw.
Gregory: Yes, and den we get to watch dem put out duh big fiyo.
Fenton: Okay, so let&rsquo;s do it.
Gregory: Caweful wit my pwopane.
Fire Chief: (returning) Okay sorry about that, just a normal part of being a firef&mdash;hey you two, get down from there. Anyways, where was I? There&rsquo;s only two machines but they&rsquo;re both washer/dryer so two of us can do a load at the same time.

Fire Chief: And this here’s where we do our laundry—(alarm goes off) Oof, sorry kids, that means the...

Fire Department Tour

Jazz flowed from the streets in the 50s. We swam naked in the churches. We prayed in the oceans. We stood around asking when Kerouac would finish that second novel.&nbsp;
People stole everything they owned and had everything they owned stolen from them. All anyone owned was a pair of lightly-threaded cutoffs that everyone refused to wear, so our swap-based economy became a public standoff. No one got anything and everyone was cold.&nbsp;
Sometimes Kerouac would publish an opening paragraph and redact it the next week.
Allen Ginsberg was blacklisted from the south side of Brooklyn for wearing a cardigan. John Lennon tried to strangle Neal Cassady for wearing cloth earrings. Elvis died. We knew there were underground literary salons happening we just didn&rsquo;t know why or when.
Jazz took over the culture in the 50s. While not everyone was named John Coltrane, those who were found immense success because of it. Everywhere you looked there was a famous person named John Coltrane. In hindsight, there may have only been one Coltrane, but he played like a half-dozen, and music will never forgive him for it.&nbsp;
Eventually the Beat Generation faded away. Jazz was displaced by the harpsichord and nudity was replaced by taping small rocks over people&rsquo;s pale parts and charging consumption tax on it. While present generations are nostalgic for the past, the Beat Generation was nostalgic for the present. For this, they&rsquo;ll always be remembered. That and the Korean War.

Jazz flowed from the streets in the 50s. We swam naked in the churches. We prayed in the oceans. We ...

Smellfungus #.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Smellfungus #