When BombCorp introduced a line of AI-powered appliances, the people cheered. When the first BombCorp appliances became smart enough to band together and kill their creators, the people were too busy making their smart vacuums steam “pu$$ylord” into the carpet to notice.

Life is hard now—my roommate died after his BombCorp car drove into a wall, and my other roommate was using his BombCorp electric razor when he got hit by my first roommate’s car. So that’s why I’m here alone, just trying to make a bagel in my BombCorp bagel toaster but no matter how many times I put a bagel in it spits it right onto the floor. I’m on five or so bagels—all on the floor. I make an “are you seeing this?” face at my neighbor Kenny, but he’s busy getting shredded by his BombCorp lawnmower. I press the BAGEL button again and the toaster chirps “another bagel so soon?” and let me tell you I do not care for that attitude at all.

I push BAGEL. It spits a bagel on the floor. I push BAGEL. Another bagel on the floor. The news reports the number dead in the carnage. I turn off the TV. No distractions. I push BAGEL. The toaster’s screen shows a “Slow Down There!” box with an animation of a little guy eating so many bagels his belly gets huge and he pops. So condescending. I look to Kenny to try and get some sympathy here, but I only hear screams. Not the time, Kenny.

Kenny splatters on my window. I still don’t have a bagel. This is the worst day of my life.