- Don’t tell his parents.

- Tell his parents, but don’t tell them it was you.

- Tell his parents, but don’t tell them who you pushed off the cliff.

- Apologize.

- Jump with him so that no one can figure out who pushed who, and you get off scot-free.

- Toss him a couple of books. He’s gonna be down there for a while.

- Smile! You’re going to want to look good in the videos all those bystanders are taking. 

- As he falls, scream to him that you pushed him off so that he could learn to fly, like a mother would have to her baby bird. That way, he won’t die thinking this is your fault.

- Don’t look down. It’s quite frightening.

- Take in your surroundings. What a view!

- Move the tectonic plates in a way that raises the land below the cliff to the cliff’s level, making it so that the guy never actually “fell.”

- Realize that life is short and that you should cherish every moment of it.

- Shoot him repeatedly to make sure he doesn’t survive the fall. There’s only room for one of you in this world.

- Don’t cry. This is no time for weakness.

- Tell his kids a bedtime story later that night. Those munchkins won’t go to bed without one.

- Finish your ice cream before it melts.