&ndash; Attention please, the presentation by Tajikistan will begin in 5 minutes.
&ndash; (20 minutes later)
&ndash; Ladies and gentlemen, please make your way to the auditorium for the presentation by Tajikistan.
&ndash; (20 minutes later)
&ndash; Ladies and gentlemen, the President of Tajikistan wrote a poem about climate change and he knows that might sound boring to some of you but he&rsquo;ll be very frustrated if not a single person comes to his presentation.
&ndash; (20 minutes later)
&ndash; The President of Tajikistan has flown back to Tajikistan, but he&rsquo;d like to thank you all for a wonderful expo.
&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
&ndash; Whoa, not so fast there. Kosovo isn&rsquo;t a recognized country.
&ndash; Please, our scientists discovered a new treatment for HIV.
&ndash; Hahaha but not smart enough to make your own country, huh?
&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
Announcer: This is BLOOPY, Toyota&rsquo;s newest robot personal assistant!
BLOOPY: Nice&hellip; to&hellip; meet&hellip; you&hellip;&nbsp;
Audience: Aww!
Announcer: And this is the savant who figured out the most ethical way to slaughter robots so they don&rsquo;t feel pain when we harvest their batteries.
Savant: Nice&hellip; to&hellip;&nbsp; meet&hellip; you&hellip;&hellip;&hellip; folks&hellip;&nbsp;
Audience: (hesitant applause)
&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;&mdash;
&ndash; And now the Albanian military will demonstrate their latest weapons.
&ndash; Wait, if the military&rsquo;s here, who&rsquo;s defending Albania?!
&ndash; Oh fuck!!
North Macedonian Army General:(on phone) Guys, I have amazing news.

– Attention please, the presentation by Tajikistan will begin in 5 minutes.
– (20 minutes later)
–...

2019 World Expo

Movie Theatre

At the time of writing, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought the world to a standstill. Though the Lampoon rarely comments on current events, it feels wrong to continue making our silly jokes while the apocalypse is ongoing. So here&rsquo;s what happened to Larry while he was hospitalized:
&nbsp;
Doctor: (rushing in) Buddy, there&rsquo;s a cure but you&rsquo;re not gonna like it.&nbsp;
Larry: (wheezing) You mean I might live?
Doctor: It involves grafting your body to that of a person with immunity.
Larry: Huh doc, I don&rsquo;t know, I find the idea of grafting myself to another human being a little concerning.
Doctor: If it helps at all Larry I can explain the operation with these props. This small model of yourself would be you, now watch as I amputate at the waist and attach the upper part of the model&rsquo;s body to&hellip;&nbsp;&nbsp;
Old Chinese Woman: 콱봤쳄쟝돨莖賈.
Doctor: This would be your donor.
Larry: I don&rsquo;t know doc, you&rsquo;re sure this is the only way I can beat this disease? This seems more like something a mad doctor would come up with rather than the official W.H.O. guidelines.&nbsp;
Doctor: We have to operate now.
Larry: Hold on! Wait just a goddam second! For once! Let me think about if this counts as sex.
Old Chinese Woman: 乖角詭눌돨뇹큽.
Larry: What&rsquo;d she say?
Doctor: 퀭裂품청唐瓊섟늪斤口.
Old Chinese Woman: 청밑溝，凜槨乖뚤박榴깹뗀출磊깻할닒灌랙법昑契槨.
Doctor: 뎃角，섦賈뻤唐詭눌，퀭흔부출磊!
Larry: (coughs blood) Come on, did she say it counts or no?

At the time of writing, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought the world to a standstill. Though the Lamp...

Dear Historians,

Fire Chief: And this here&rsquo;s where we do our laundry&mdash;(alarm goes off) Oof, sorry kids, that means there&rsquo;s a fire somewhere. We&rsquo;re gonna have to take this.
Kids: Can we come!
Fire Chief: No. (slides down pole)
Kids: &hellip;&nbsp;
Teacher: &hellip;&nbsp;
Kids: &hellip;&nbsp;
Fenton: Psst! Cawson.
Carson: What do you want, crap head?
Fenton: I twiple dog dawe you to buwn down duh fiyo depawment.
Carson: No way.
Fenton: Samanta. Hey Samanta!
Samantha: Get away from me.
Fenton: Okay. Hey Gwegowy! Hey.
Gregory: What.
Fenton: If we stawt a fiyo wight hewe duh fiyofitos will have to come back and finish duh touw.
Gregory: Yes, and den we get to watch dem put out duh big fiyo.
Fenton: Okay, so let&rsquo;s do it.
Gregory: Caweful wit my pwopane.
Fire Chief: (returning) Okay sorry about that, just a normal part of being a firef&mdash;hey you two, get down from there. Anyways, where was I? There&rsquo;s only two machines but they&rsquo;re both washer/dryer so two of us can do a load at the same time.

Fire Chief: And this here’s where we do our laundry—(alarm goes off) Oof, sorry kids, that means the...

Fire Department Tour

<ul>
<li>Well, here goes nothing&hellip; (jumps up on table) Ahem! Mr. and Mrs. Martinez, I can&rsquo;t let your daughter marry that man. She doesn&rsquo;t love him the way I love her. See how she looks at him, and see how I look at her (stares at her). I&rsquo;ve loved Jessica ever since we were kiddos, when she was a freshman and I was still pretending to be in law school. She accidentally signed a vow that if neither of us were married by 40, we would marry each other. Well Jessica, I&rsquo;m 45. (loses balance) Can&rsquo;t you see that we belong together?! Sure, I&rsquo;m no Prince Charming, but let&rsquo;s be honest she&rsquo;s no Becky Hotsticks either. Y&rsquo;know what I mean?</li>
<li>(dinner guests stare at Larry)</li>
<li>She&rsquo;s like a 6 or a 7&hellip; that&rsquo;s why it&rsquo;s so big that I&rsquo;m doing all this. If I didn&rsquo;t interrupt her wedding then no one would. So whadya say, Jessica? Are ya pickin up what I&rsquo;m puttin down?</li>
<li>What?</li>
<li>Are ya pickin up what I&rsquo;m puttin dowb.</li>
<li>What are you saying, Larry?</li>
<li>Youw ppickin up wubaym ppoottin deeeoyb&hellip;&nbsp;</li>
<li>Larry?</li>
<li>Bloooaaaahhhhhh (starts to fall backwards)</li>
<li>Oh my go&mdash;</li>
</ul>
SMASH CUT
In an ambulance
<ul>
<li>Whuh?</li>
<li>Yes sir, you had the biggest stroke we&rsquo;ve ever seen.</li>
</ul>


Well, here goes nothing… (jumps up on table) Ahem! Mr. and Mrs. Martinez, I can’t let your daughte...

At a wedding reception

&mdash; Hey Brenda how&rsquo;s it&mdash; jesus christ dude!
&mdash; Ha ha fooled ya. Don&rsquo;t I look just like her?
&mdash; You&rsquo;re wearing her skin.
&mdash; Yeah I decided to go all out this year.
&mdash; Take that off. Where is Brenda?
&mdash; Relax dude she&rsquo;s fine. It&rsquo;s just a joke.
&mdash; I don&rsquo;t get the joke.
&mdash; Isn&rsquo;t there a whole saying about &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t judge a man until you&rsquo;ve walked to moons in his skin?&rdquo;
&mdash; Yeah but&mdash; wait, no pretty sure it was moccasins.
&mdash; That can&rsquo;t be right.
&mdash; Yeah it&rsquo;s walk two moons in his moccasins. How does that make less sense than skin?
&mdash; Oh jeez you&rsquo;re right. Man, I feel pretty dumb now.
&mdash; Yeah please take off Brenda&rsquo;s skin.
&mdash;&nbsp;Well I&rsquo;m gonna leave it on for tonight since it&rsquo;s my costume. But man do I feel dumb.

— Hey Brenda how’s it— jesus christ dude!
— Ha ha fooled ya. Don’t I look just like her?
— You’re ...

Costume Party

Here are some things that might happen when I am born.
&mdash; The doctor accidentally gives my parents the placenta and throws me away. My parents raise the placenta for 4-5 years before they realize their mistake. However upon meeting me they immediately give me up for adoption due to my cystic fibrosis.
&mdash; The doctor thinks I am conjoined twins but really my penis is just an exact body double of me. The doctor separates us, leaving me incapable of ever having sex. However my penis-double-of-me has his own penis, and he regularly picks up girls to have sex with them (which I cannot do). He is six inches tall. Despite all this, we grow up together and are very close friends, until years later he commits an unforgivable but unrelated betrayal.
&mdash; After I am born, they put me in the hospital nursery. The nursery is too crowded and I end up rolling over and kissing a baby of the same gender, which is gay.
&mdash; The soft spot on the top of my head never closes but instead grows even more pronounced. The schoolyard kids compete to throw candies into it and when it rains I have to repeatedly thrust my head downwards to empty it out. If I forget to do this the birds will bathe in it. I am allergic to birds, as they cause me to grow a scalp rash that is even more enticing to birds.
&mdash; I come out shriveled and raisin-sized. Little do my parents know, all they need to do is put me in water for an hour and I will grow back to normal. They eventually figure this out but I am 17 years old and have already missed out on critical social skills.
&mdash; As I am born, my dog tries to run away but he has no legs and he&rsquo;s just sitting in my yard.

Here are some things that might happen when I am born.
— The doctor accidentally gives my parents t...

My Birth

<ul>
<li>And that is how Denta-Firm is changing the game, as the world&rsquo;s first ever blood-free toothpaste for women. I&rsquo;ll now take some questions. You, sir.</li>
<li>Yeah, it sounded like you just said &ldquo;blood-free,&rdquo; which you hadn&rsquo;t mentioned at any other point in your speech before?</li>
<li>That is correct.</li>
<li>So are you saying Denta-Firm is the first blood-free toothpaste for women, or like, the first blood-free toothpaste ever?</li>
<li>Our scientists were the first ever to synthesize toothpaste without using human blood, and we&rsquo;re set on marketing our product toward women</li>
<li>&hellip;</li>
<li>&hellip;</li>
<li>And are people okay with that? Did everyone know about this but me?!</li>
<li>Please, sir&hellip;</li>
<li>(old man in the back, rising up) Ahem! My fellow peers. I, too, was troubled by this revelation that toothpaste is made of blood. But as it is a necessity for maintaining one&rsquo;s good hygiene, and I refuse to purchase toothpaste for women, I will continue my use of regular toothpaste, while respectfully purchasing Denta-Firm for my wife and effeminate son. Thank you for all your work, doctor.</li>
<li>(applause)</li>
</ul>


And that is how Denta-Firm is changing the game, as the world’s first ever blood-free toothpaste f...

Scott Roberts.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Scott Roberts