My mom isn&rsquo;t like other moms.&nbsp; When I was conceived, my mother didn&rsquo;t carry me in her uterus, but rather schlepped me around for nine months in her Armani briefcase.&nbsp; Instead of breastfeeding, she pumped me full of knowledge and self-confidence.&nbsp; Opting out on diapers, she decided to dress me in business casual pantsuits.
My mom refuses to be a woman in the kitchen, but she also refuses to let me accept anything from a man, so dinner from Dad is off the table.&nbsp; &ldquo;Success fuels you,&rdquo; she says, which means I get most of my energy from filing briefs and then munching on the paper.&nbsp; I&rsquo;m lucky I get so much practice interpreting legal jargon during my mom&rsquo;s daily productive critiques of my posture.&nbsp; I feel bad knowing that child paralegals would kill to have that on their resumes.&nbsp; However, Mom always says &ldquo;neglected children are rungs on the ladder of success.&rdquo;
I will admit it&rsquo;s not always easy having a modern mom.&nbsp; When she picks me up from school in her designer suit and stilettos, all the boys catcall her with crude phrases like &ldquo;I bet your credit score is so high.&rdquo;&nbsp; They then proceed to walk up to her, offer a firm handshake and their resume, and say something else obnoxious like &ldquo;I want to work under you so that I can learn from your expertise.&rdquo;&nbsp; Disgusting!
Nevertheless, I admire my mom because she supports other working women.&nbsp; Whenever CPS pays us a visit, my mom always makes sure to offer the worker a job at her firm, then proceeds to fire her the moment our case gets thrown out.&nbsp; Powerful women can&rsquo;t get too attached.
I try to mirror her support for other strong, independent women by encouraging my classmates to strike against playing house.&nbsp; Instead we start playing my mom&rsquo;s favorite game: Open Up a Bottle of Wine and Cry At Your Reflection in the Mirror.&nbsp; Unfortunately my teacher bans us from playing because we keep cutting our hands on the broken glass containers we use as wine bottles.

My mom isn’t like other moms.  When I was conceived, my mother didn’t carry me in her uterus, but ra...

Modern Mom

1) College is busy, so it is important to set up a schedule with your significant other. &nbsp;When the schedule invariably fails, retrieve your significant other&rsquo;s lock of hair from beneath your pillow. 2) Using that sample of DNA, along with a combination of the most up-to-date research on CRISPR and excerpts from Mary Shelley&rsquo;s Frankenstein, create a clone of your loved one. 3) Get to know your clone. &nbsp;Take them out for dinner, and order them chicken tenders with a side of fries. &nbsp;They&rsquo;re a young clone and still developing their clone palate. &nbsp;During dinner, contemplate the morality of cloning and the philosophical question of what creator owes creation. &nbsp;Conclude that your moral obligation aligns with the cost for dinner. &nbsp;When your clone gets up to use the bathroom, pay the bill. 4) Slowly begin to recognize that you&rsquo;ve grown stronger feelings for the clone than for the original. &nbsp;Wrestle with the thought of breaking up with your high school sweetheart. &nbsp;Wrestle with the philosophical conundrum of whether experiences or DNA plays a greater role in shaping a person. 5) Dump your loved one for their new and improved clone. &nbsp;College is about growing and becoming a better version of yourself. &nbsp;You should be with a better version of your partner. 6) Start to resent the clone for making you dump the original as well as distracting you from your college experience. No one should date freshman fall. 7) Watch in horror as your human ex finally buys that plane ticket not to visit you but to team up with their evil clone and slowly sabotage your life. 8) Decide that a good clone would never go around telling everyone that their clone defect is a result of an STD you gave them. &nbsp;Go back to the lab and edit the betrayal gene out of your ex&rsquo;s DNA. &nbsp;While you&rsquo;re at it, maybe make them a little taller too. 9) Reevaluate the ethics of the medical field as you watch yet another clone turn on you. 10) Repeat steps 8-9 until you have completed an evil clone army. 11) Face the moral repercussions of having to kill your own creations. &nbsp;Once you&rsquo;ve finished that, it&rsquo;s time to get back out there. &nbsp;I highly recommend dating apps or the Innovative Genomics Institute&rsquo;s laboratory.

1) College is busy, so it is important to set up a schedule with your significant other.  When the s...

How to Handle Being in a Long Distance Relationship

Disenchantment Day is my favorite day of the year.&nbsp; I live to shatter the false sense of security children experience and to see the annual parade.
We start the day by organizing the children into teams based on their race and socioeconomic status. We tell the children that the team who wins the most points throughout the day will receive one full year of healthcare.&nbsp; This fosters teamwork and provides a nice visual representation of systemic oppression, as the kids from more privileged socioeconomic groups are better nourished and are prepared to totally wipe the weaker kids.
After team bonding I drop the kiddos off at the graveyard that we&rsquo;ve labeled with a &ldquo;Farm Upstate&rdquo; sign.&nbsp; Once they&rsquo;ve had some time to do gravestone rubbings for their grandparents&rsquo; graves and enjoy our picnic, I bring them over to the sex station.
Woah, don&rsquo;t get the wrong idea.&nbsp; We would never make the children do anything.&nbsp; We just make them watch. Then we make them figure out how to raise a child and pay for their college tuition.&nbsp; If they can&rsquo;t get a loan from the bank, we throw the baby in a river that dried up from climate change.
We end the day with a good honest American raffle that is weighted so that people with more money have more tickets. The winner gets a million dollars and to decide whether or not the rest of the kids get to live.

Disenchantment Day is my favorite day of the year.  I live to shatter the false sense of security ch...

Disenchantment Day

My mom used to tell me that I just had to wait for puberty to hit and then I wouldn&rsquo;t be ugly anymore.&nbsp; She also said that if I didn&rsquo;t want to wait, I could go ask the weird old lady who worked at the rundown carnival for a wish.&nbsp; I decided to take my chances and ask her to make me look like a celebrity.&nbsp; No longer a scrawny prepubescent girl with braces, I was now a seventy-eight year old comedic legend clocking in at four foot ten.
The summer I turned into Danny DeVito was the best summer of my life.&nbsp; All my insecurities about my underdeveloped body disappeared.&nbsp; I stopped comparing myself to the hot girls in my grade because honestly it was just unfair to them.&nbsp; Who needs boobs when you have impeccable comedic timing?&nbsp; Finally, the coolest boys in school took notice of me, asking me how they could mimic my sick facial hair.&nbsp; Instead of getting a boyfriend, though, I just ended up gaining their respect.&nbsp; My sexy South Jersey accent was envied by underdeveloped boys going through brutal voice changes.&nbsp; Me?&nbsp; I had a prostate so developed it was cancerous.
All the girls wanted my autograph and all the failed actors who were getting their GED at the night school wanted to be me.&nbsp; Wherever I went, sixty year old divorcees would throw their bras at me, which were much prettier than the padded tank tops my mom had bought me at Target.&nbsp; Life was great, except my newfound popularity - no, fame - started to get to me.&nbsp; I began to fear that I had become a Danny DeVito Icarus.&nbsp; My ego was inflated, yet I couldn&rsquo;t form those friendships I&rsquo;ve been told are important for my social development without being burned by people just using me for clout or to act out their favorite sitcom scenes.&nbsp; I realized no one actually liked me, and they just wanted a piece of the DeVito flair.
I concluded that the moral of my adventure was that I should have been more specific with my initial request from the weird carnival lady.&nbsp; I went back and asked her plain and simple to make my exterior reflect what&rsquo;s on the inside.&nbsp; Now I look like a five foot eight Scandinavian supermodel, which has been fine.

My mom used to tell me that I just had to wait for puberty to hit and then I wouldn’t be ugly anymor...

The Summer I Turned Into Danny DeVito

Most people move to Hogtown for the good public schools.&nbsp; They either come for that or Larry the 2,000 pound hog.&nbsp; We&rsquo;re rated fifth in the country for standardized test scores and third in the country for hog to square foot ratio.&nbsp; If we can get Larry to expand just a couple more inches though, we may be able to beat our rival Wilmington, who&rsquo;s currently ranked at number two.&nbsp; None of their hogs have anything on Larry, but they do have more than one hog.&nbsp; In fact they have several.
Hogtown used to be a hub for illiterate kids and also crime.&nbsp; Then Mayor Gibson moved to town and with him law and order in the form of five literate teachers and one glorious hog. &nbsp;Unfortunately the hog that Gibson brought named Susie died shortly after her arrival.&nbsp; The people of Hogtown agreed not to upset Mayor Gibson so they swapped out Susie with Larry after she died.&nbsp; Fortunately Gibson didn&rsquo;t notice because Larry was only 300 pounds bigger at the time.&nbsp; That quickly changed.
I think what I love most about the new and improved Hogtown is that everyone comes together to support one another.&nbsp; That&rsquo;s the beauty of living in a small town with a big hog.&nbsp; When your neighbor gets sick, you bring over a bowl of soup, and when your resident hog gets sick, all the schools shut down and everyone in town comes together to pray.&nbsp; I have very fond memories of hog days as a kid - getting a call in the morning and hearing that school was canceled because of some hog-related emergency.
This morning I got that magic call: Today is a hog day.&nbsp; All of town rushes to get Larry performance-ready for the big match against Wilmington.&nbsp; We hold our breath in anticipation, waiting for the referee to measure.&nbsp; When defeat is announced yet again, we cry and console each other.&nbsp; Turns out Wilmington had just birthed five more hogs this dawn.&nbsp; Right under the wire.&nbsp; Goddamn them.

Most people move to Hogtown for the good public schools.  They either come for that or Larry the 2,0...

Charlotte Levy.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Charlotte Levy