Yesterday the Big Man on Campus came to class late and the professor apologized. The class cried because they were worried he had missed some of the material. The professor caught a glimpse of his final project as he was walking in. The title was &ldquo;My Autobiography&rdquo; and we already knew he would win the best highest prize in this Calculus class.
At the football game, the Big Man on Campus was proclaimed the star of the team, so he got to sit on top of the Christmas tree for the rest of day. We were all jealous of new-found height, but then we realized he was also very elegant. The crowd cheered loudly when we got the ball back, but they went absolutely crazy when the Big Man on Campus announced the final score. We had come in second.
It was the night of the holiday party, and the Big Man on Campus was scheduled to make an appearance. Unfortunately, he got diabetes, but as he was the man, it was just Type II. We figured out his size and average body temperature, so we left an oven in the middle of the dance floor in his place. Sadly, the building burned down because we forgot to preheat.
Today, he found the answer to a rhetorical question. This was the first time it had ever been done, so, of course, he was written into the history books. During history class when he got to the part about him, he skipped over it to show his humility. We shed a tear because we were all masturbating, and we were into the emotional stuff.In the afternoon, the Big Man on Campus clogged the toilet in the Arts Building, and they renamed the building after him. When he walked out of the newly renamed the Big Building on Campus, Man, everyone applauded. He was the man plus our hands were still sticky from all the jerking off, and we had piano lessons scheduled for later that afternoon.

Yesterday the Big Man on Campus came to class late and the professor apologized. The class cried bec...

The Big Man on Campus

Uncle Buck: That&rsquo;s an incredibly personal question.
Me: I&rsquo;m just asking because I&rsquo;m in charge of the U.S. Census this year.
Uncle Buck: Oh right. Can you tell me what I put down for marital status again?
Me: You told me to check other and write in &ldquo;autofellatio.&rdquo;
Uncle Buck: Nice. Unemployed 9 years.

Uncle Buck: That’s an incredibly personal question.
Me: I’m just asking because I’m in charge of th...

How Long Have You Been Unemployed?

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<h2>My Birth</h2>
Mom: It&rsquo;s a boy!
Me:&nbsp;Hey, girl, what&rsquo;s up? What you doing later, sexy mama?
Mom:&nbsp;I&rsquo;m busy tonight because of the PA meeting.
</div>
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<h2>My Bar Mitzvah</h2>
Mom:&nbsp;He&rsquo;s a man! We&rsquo;re so proud.
Me:&nbsp;So about that date, wanna come over to my place?
Mom:&nbsp;Unfortunately, I have to clean the house before the guests come over
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<h2>My Wedding</h2>
Mom:&nbsp;Are you nervous for the big day?
Me:&nbsp;I just need to ask&ndash;you got another man or something?
Mom:&nbsp;You know I&rsquo;m seeing your brother, Joshua. Me:&nbsp;Oh right.
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My Birth
Mom: It’s a boy!
Me: Hey, girl, what’s up? What you doing later, sexy mama?
Mom: I’m b...

The Talk

-Tap Dancing Summer Intensive -Battle it out in a kite flying competition -Try lettuce for the first time -Order matching bagels with the works -Back-to-back golf lessons but with the same instructor -2013 Snapper Derby B-Division Semifinals -Befriend an extended family -Get diagnosed with lettuce allergies together -Test out mattresses at Sleepy&rsquo;s for bed bugs -Follow Russell Brand around for the day to see if he&rsquo;s that foxy in real life -Go to a Broadway show and clap the entire time to show maximum support -Watch a marathon and provide gatorade chews to fellow supporters -Attend a ladies luncheon together -Sign up for kids education at the zoo to learn about mating -Trade long underwears -Grow out of lettuce allergies

-Tap Dancing Summer Intensive-Battle it out in a kite flying competition-Try lettuce for the first t...

Date Ideas

Dear Readers,
&nbsp;
My greatest hope for you all is that you actually know how to read because this issue is full of letters and words. They aren&rsquo;t hard ones, but they might require a quick peek at the Scrabble dictionary. We&rsquo;re talking words like love, benevolence, and lover. There may be letters involved such as g, w, and o. It won&rsquo;t matter if you&rsquo;ve seen these fellas before or if you&rsquo;ll be sounding them out on the spot. The important thing is that you can see that we wrote some things. So just as a quick gauge of how you&rsquo;ll do getting through this magazine, please tear this page out, nail it to your wall, walk six feet away, call your eye doctor, and schedule an eye exam immediately.
&nbsp;
I&rsquo;m sorry, the answer we were looking for was actually D) All of the above. Well it looks like you failed the eye test. Good news though&ndash;you can just look at all the pretty pictures!
&nbsp;
XOXO,
LRK &rsquo;21

Dear Readers,
 
My greatest hope for you all is that you actually know how to read because this is...

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Lia Kiam