Happy Saturday everyone &ndash; good to see you at the town meeting. All our sheriffs died last night.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Let me start by acknowledging the empty podium next to mine. As you all know, this child-sized plastic podium belongs to Sheriff Sharif, my second in command. Sadly Sheriff Sharif is not with us today &ndash; he is observing the Islamic sabbath after all. This is very unlike all the other sheriffs who were torn apart by a train last night.
This train entered the town at approximately twenty-two hundred &ndash; and that&rsquo;s pretty heavy for a train if you ask me. I&rsquo;m not sure how it made it past the anti-train security we installed last year. Somehow it plowed through all 20,053 damsels tied up on the tracks, 1,085,768,231 damsels dressed as scarecrows, 9,999,999,999,999.97 damsels armed with water bottles to spray at the train&rsquo;s whiskers, and the 3 Old Man Damsel&rsquo;s Damsel Emporium franchises that we erected on the train tracks. At this point I should say that all the town&rsquo;s women are also dead.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; After the six days it took for this evil train to sneak past our security, the sheriffs wasted no time getting to work &ndash; after all somebody had to enforce our Jim Crow laws. Once the sheriffs were back on the street all seemed at peace, what with the women gone. They couldn&rsquo;t have possibly imagined the event that would rock our town and destroy the rule of law: the passing of the Civil Rights Act. Thank God that turned out to be a big prank and the sheriffs quickly caught the high schoolers responsible for it.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Little did they know that those high schoolers were actually little train cars, which assembled into a larger train car, which called up a few train car friends and combined into a larger train, which was part of an even LARGER prank by the rival high school. The sheriffs arrested these hoodlums too, and it&rsquo;s comforting to know how dedicated they were to the law before being plowed over, internally decapitated, dismembered, re-membered, dismembered again, and having their skin and sinew be twisted and ripped off by a hellish train at the conclusion of a large battle, metaphorically speaking.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The sheriffs decided to visit a bar in our neighboring town to celebrate the imprisonment of all those children. The next train heading there was fiery, gnarled, and covered in the blood of millions of women, as a result of our town&rsquo;s poor train maintenance. They instead boarded the train after that which was the evil one. This was the last time they were seen alive, as shortly after their trip began they were struck by another unrelated train and quietly passed away. Sheriff Williams was the only survivor, but this morning, after a long battle with cancer, he was shot to death.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Things may seem dire, but know that we will get through this tough time, and the law will always live on in our town. That being said I have just been informed that Sheriff Sharif is dead. Thank you all for coming. God bless. USA USA USA.

Happy Saturday everyone – good to see you at the town meeting. All our sheriffs died last night.
  ...

No More Sheriffs

Written by: DRM &rsquo;18
Art by: JFAR &rsquo;19-22
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img class="wp-image-1237 loaded" src="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1.png" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" srcset="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1.png 1000w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1-300x300.png 300w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1-150x150.png 150w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1-768x768.png 768w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1-100x100.png 100w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1-450x450.png 450w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix1-1-120x120.png 120w" alt="" width="500" height="500" loading="lazy" data-lazy="true" /></figure>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img class="wp-image-1233 loaded" src="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2.png" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" srcset="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2.png 1000w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2-300x300.png 300w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2-150x150.png 150w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2-768x768.png 768w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2-100x100.png 100w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2-450x450.png 450w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix2-120x120.png 120w" alt="" width="500" height="500" loading="lazy" data-lazy="true" /></figure>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img class="wp-image-1234 loaded" src="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3.png" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" srcset="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3.png 1000w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3-300x300.png 300w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3-150x150.png 150w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3-768x768.png 768w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3-100x100.png 100w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3-450x450.png 450w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix3-120x120.png 120w" alt="" width="500" height="500" loading="lazy" data-lazy="true" /></figure>
<figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img class="wp-image-1235 loaded" src="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4.png" sizes="(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px" srcset="https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4.png 1000w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4-300x300.png 300w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4-150x150.png 150w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4-768x768.png 768w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4-100x100.png 100w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4-450x450.png 450w, https://harvardlampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/DRM-JFAR-Shamu-Comix4-120x120.png 120w" alt="" width="500" height="500" loading="lazy" data-lazy="true" /></figure>

Written by: DRM ’18
Art by: JFAR ’19-22





Shamu Comix

Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these munchkins home in the next ten minutes. My route usually takes two hours, so I&rsquo;ll go a little over double the speed limit. If I don&rsquo;t make it, I&rsquo;m fired for sure &mdash; Principal Malone is super strict about fifteenth time offenses.
&ldquo;Sit down and shut up!&rdquo; I yell to myself after shrieking in fear. The kids are in the back being little angels &mdash; I hope this is a sleep deprived hallucination and they&rsquo;re not already dead. I hit the gas and take a two-minute nap.
Eight minutes left. Kenny&rsquo;s house is first up and it&rsquo;s two miles away. We&rsquo;ll be there in ten seconds. I tell Kenny to aim for the mattress out front. &ldquo;There&rsquo;s no mattress out&mdash;&ldquo; He lands in a bush.
Time to deal with the other thirty-nine. I&rsquo;m hurling kids into their front yards left and right. All the tossing reminds me of my paper route. Oh no. Today is my paper route. And if today&rsquo;s my paper route that means it&rsquo;s milk delivery day too. I was wondering why the bus had more milk than normal.
Two minutes left. There&rsquo;s 180 kids in the back with an entire home owners&rsquo; association and that&rsquo;s not including my side-gig cab fares.
I blink and look back. No kids. No seatbelts. No seats. No bus. It was slowing me down. I&rsquo;m running with the last kid on my nude back. Aerodynamics. I&rsquo;ve got twenty seconds left. The kid&rsquo;s screaming something about him being Principal Malone and how the kids were supposed to go to a museum. I&rsquo;m not listening though &mdash; it&rsquo;s nap time.

Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these m...

Bus Driver

-And here&rsquo;s the pantry.
-What&rsquo;s with these marks on the wall?
-We marked our son&rsquo;s height each year.
-What&hellip; what happened between these two marks?
-Our son grew a lot between ages 12 and 13.
-This is a nine foot difference.
-Well, that&rsquo;s our boy.
-I noticed there&rsquo;s no 14.
-We ran out of wall.
-So that&rsquo;s why there are marks along the side of the house.
-That only bought us another year.
-Is your son&hellip; unwell?
-He&rsquo;s absolutely gigantic if that&rsquo;s what you&rsquo;re asking.
-Must be hard for him to move around.
-Oh, he doesn&rsquo;t move around.
-So he&rsquo;s here now?
-The boy is always here.
-If we buy the house, will the boy&ndash;
-There is no house without the boy. The boy is the foundation. The house rattles to his heartbeat.
-I was gonna ask about that.
-So is it a deal?
-This is tough&hellip;.but we just can&rsquo;t turn down a free house.

-And here’s the pantry.
-What’s with these marks on the wall?
-We marked our son’s height each yea...

Real Estate Tour

Last Names A- Y: Harding Room 2121
Last Name Zanderson: Arrive at the boarded up Liquor-Max on Washington at 2 am sharp. Sometime before sunrise a man will meet you there. He will proceed to punch you repeatedly. This man is not affiliated with the course but you should tip him your wallet for his trouble.
Another man will shake you back to consciousness at around 2 pm. He will punch you once, but that&rsquo;s just his style, no need to tip him. He&rsquo;ll drive you to a gas station. There he will sell the rest of the gas in the van.
Once you&rsquo;ve pushed it through a few States (bring quarters for tolls) the man&rsquo;s gonna slam on the brakes with, at most, zero warning. Get up quickly. You&rsquo;re already late for your test.
If you listen closely you should hear an ear piercing cougar scream fifteen feet to your left.&nbsp; Run quickly and you should see a testing center. Take a sharp right at the testing center and you&rsquo;ll find a small very small cave entrance and a Ziploc full of peanut oil.
In that cave you&rsquo;ll find many lepers. One of those lepers is contagious, and it&rsquo;s not your job to figure out which. The lepers will ask you three riddles. For each you get wrong they&rsquo;ll be noticeably disappointed, and then I&rsquo;m gonna have to hear about it. You do not want me to have to hear about it.
If you get all three riddles correct, you should have about 35 seconds to take the exam. The lepers will provide you with a pencil and chewing gum. The questions are all true/false and exactly the same, &ldquo;This statement is false.&rdquo; Think quickly, there&rsquo;s 15,000 of them.
When you&rsquo;ve finished the exam tie it to the weather balloon waiting outside the cave. If you make a fitting offering to the Lepers&rsquo; wind god, she will see fit to deliver the exam to my door. Otherwise I&rsquo;ll have no choice but to assume you cheated.
Last Names Zat &ndash; Zul: Harding 2121

Last Names A- Y: Harding Room 2121
Last Name Zanderson: Arrive at the boarded up Liquor-Max on Wash...

Exam Locations

&ndash; We&rsquo;re in KidLand! ClapClapClap Having fun with the Kidman! ClapClapClap That&rsquo;s me!
&ndash; You can come too! ClapClapClap but first, you know what you gotta do! ClapClapClap
&ndash; Ya gotta get mommy&rsquo;s purse! ClapClapClap Gotta grab some cash! ClapClapClap
&ndash; Now find Daddy&rsquo;s keys! ClapClapClap Driving&rsquo;s easy as 1-2-3! ClapClapClap
&ndash; Now listen to me! ClapClapClap Drive the cash to the church of Scien-tol-o-gy! ClapClapClap
&ndash; And when you get home, ClapClapClap Just pick up the phone. ClapClapClap
&ndash; Press six three times SixSixSix Hear that voice on the line? SixSixSix
&ndash; You gotta listen to the voice ClapClapClap Gotta kill your parents! ClapClapClap
&ndash; Gotta speak the evil oath ClapClapClap And kill those parents! ClapClapClap
&ndash; Uh oh kids! What&rsquo;s that noise? It sounds like the alarm for a SURPRISE DANCE PARTY!
&ndash; Look it&rsquo;s Snuggle Wubble! He&rsquo;s doing the snuggle worm! Can you do the snuggle worm kids?
&ndash; Now, Snuggles and me ClapClapClap we&rsquo;ll keep dancing while you do the deed. ClapClapClap
&ndash; &hellip;
&ndash; Yeah Snuggles baby, shake that thi &ndash; Oh great you&rsquo;re back!
&ndash; And now that it&rsquo;s done ClapClapClap We can really have some fun ClapClapClap
&ndash; Come to Kidland with me! ClapClapClap Just jump right in to your TV! ClapClapClap
&ndash; Don&rsquo;t be shy.&nbsp; ClapClapClap Don&rsquo;t try to hide.&nbsp; ClapClapClap&nbsp; Kidman hates kids who lie!
&ndash; Kidman&rsquo;s gonna count to 3 ClapClapClap Then you&rsquo;ll jump in here with me! ClapClapClap
&ndash; One. ClapClapClap Two. ClapClapClap THREE!
&ndash; It didn&rsquo;t work! Surprised? Don&rsquo;t be! ClapClapClap It&rsquo;s simple science you see! ClapClapClap
&ndash; A television works ClapClapClap By decoding signals from around the earth ClapClapClap
&ndash; You can&rsquo;t jump in a video!&nbsp; ClapClapClap This was recorded three days ago ClapClapClap&ndash; So kids, that&rsquo;s our lesson for today ClapClapClap A TV only works one way! ClapClapClap

– We’re in KidLand! ClapClapClap Having fun with the Kidman! ClapClapClap That’s me!
– You can come...

Discovery Kids Pilot Episode

Glad I&rsquo;ve got someone interested in buying Tuxedo. My father died in this tuxedo, and then it was regifted to me one Christmas as a kid. She&rsquo;s been a second skin to me, and she&rsquo;ll be with you for a while.
&nbsp;
In this tux, I&rsquo;ve fought two wars and been discharged as many times. These stains here? German blood, with a little Irish from my mom&rsquo;s side. Turns out I bleed a lot, and the fabric isn&rsquo;t great for stopping bullets. But it is good for starting conversations. Private, why are you wearing a tuxedo? Right back at ya, sarge.
&nbsp;
Don&rsquo;t worry, the bow tie is included with the tux. Wearing a tux without a bow tie would be like showering without a tux.
&nbsp;
Wore this tux when I got married and wore it when I got divorced. She wanted to get her hands on this tux, but a lot of people want a lot of things. Enjoy the tux-less house and kids, Kathleen.
&nbsp;
Sure, I&rsquo;d love to not sell this tux. But I trust all the doctors telling me this is the right thing to do for my emotional and physical state. I just want to make sure she&rsquo;s on good shoulders.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
As with any well-worn item of clothing, she&rsquo;ll keep you surprised &mdash; I&rsquo;m always finding new pockets, new holes for my head, and new sleeves. Every day I look at Tuxedo and think: who rescued who?

Glad I’ve got someone interested in buying Tuxedo. My father died in this tuxedo, and then it was re...

Seasons of Life.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Seasons of Life