Cool Kevin is a man the military pays to come to our office and yell at us about not smoking marijuana. Here are some of his commonly-used arguments.

Weed Kills.

“When used in conjunction with marijuana, weed can evaporate your brain cells like so much water. Have you ever seen the Cloudy Meatballs movie? It’s the same science, and this country cannot afford an incident like the one from the movie. Not again.”

Weed Impairs Your Vision. 

“Say you’re trying to fill out a spreadsheet. Then you’re high. Huh? Those numbers aren’t going to make any sense. In Desert Storm, I saw a lot of fellow soldiers die from this very thing: errors made in spreadsheets that led to us invading the wrong Kuwait. I was awarded my first Medal of Valor for identifying the problem. The second was for killing a guy who looked a lot like Osama Bin Laden.” 

Weed Is A Sin.

“Look, I don’t believe in God, but I still follow his rules on the off chance that a space giant created reality and only divinely exalts those who haven’t soiled the experience he designed for them with Schedule 1 drugs. I realize this logic may too be flawed, but I am but a humble distorted reflection of the glory of my creator, who, again, I do not believe exists.” 

Studies Show Weed Prevents Users From Being Able To Discern Between These Two Photos