Her name was Sarah and I was absolutely head over heels for her. I’d cut two holes in a trash can which I’d wear over my body. I’d scoot along behind her in the hallway. When she’d turn around I’d stand totally still. It was pretty embarrassing and I don’t think she knew me as any- thing other than “trash boy.”

Unfortunately at the time I developed my crush on Sarah I was also reading about the power of positive thinking, law of attraction, thoughts becoming things that sort of stuff. At home after school I’d write down on a piece of paper: “Sarah will love me back, Sarah will love me back.” I’d do this hundreds of times, only stopping when I needed to jack off.

At some point a bit of sperm must have landed on the stack of papers, activating a positive thinking spell because this breeze started blowing through my room and the lights started flickering. Then everything went black. When I came to my parents were standing over me praying. Hundred of these papers with “Sarah will love me back” were strewn all over the room and jizz was everywhere and my parents pulled me out of that school for Sarah’s safety.