Welcome to my zen meditation studio, kemosabe. Now get those clothes off and get on the table, the secrets of the universe wait for no man.

Close your eyes and hold your breath, imagine yourself zooming out. Out of your body, out of this building. Stop! Can you see it? If you kinda squint the lake looks like a lady’s bare chest from here. Pretty neat huh? Sometimes those swans float over the middle and look like nipples.

Now zoom back in. Further. Further. Look! You can see under your own skin.  Could you imagine if we all walked around skinless like that? Like hey, wanna shake hands with our raw meat hands and get each other all bloody? We’re so lucky we have skin.

I don’t have skin. That’s ok though. Keep zooming out. Zoom out until the earth is just a pale blue dot, like the tip of a ball point pen. You should feel the pen rolling over your whole body, making a dotted line at your loins and your trimming points.

Zoom out further. Stop! It’s Uranus. What a fun name for a planet. Imagine if I poked your bottom right there as I said that, how funny that’d be. I’d never do that though. The skin is the body’s natural barrier against infection. I lost my skin last Thursday.

Let’s just zoom out a little further now. Over there is Orion’s Belt. Look how beautiful, look at the stars. From here don’t they almost spell out “cut along the dotted line”. Remember the pen. Feel the pen against your supple skin.

And zoom out a little bit further you’ll see a dark nebula, the birthplace of our own sun and thousands more. Feel that rumbling. Like an electric razor shaving your entire body isn’t it?

From this distance the earth is a microscopic marble. Skin, no skin. Shaved, bleeding onto the floor. We’re all just little monkeys floating around on some space dust. And don’t those monkeys look like a Skin-Changer 3000? Don’t you want to go in the Skin-Changer with me? 

Well sorry to break it to you pal, but there’s no such thing as a Skin-Changer. Let alone 3000 such things. But we can dream, my friend. Please keep the lights off when you leave. They hurt my sinews.