1. Toodle-ee-doo! The trumpet song wakes me up—time to canoe to breakfast.

2. I eat slop with the gang. Timmy shows us a scab he got wrestling a bear and we name him our king. Plan for the day: Do boy things with my man friends.

3. Uh oh! There’s Susie Schwartz, the hottest girl at Camp Konakwee. She skips to the canteen and seductively dumps a bucket of iced tea on her head. Timmy immediately passes out. Susie throws us a coy little wink as mosquitos devour her body.

4. We play dodgeball, the sport of kings. I hit the fat kid in the face and his chest ripples violently. Even on his dying day, Ol’ Jiggle Tits never lives this down.

5. Lunch: More slop. Susie leads a tie- dye demonstration and the boys come of age.

6. It’s scorching hot, so we cartwheel to the lake. We tie up Jiggle Tits and swing him into the murky water. Nice! Here at Camp Kweeterkwon, summer is forever.

7. Darn: Susie skips too close to the forest and is eaten by a bear. The camp declares a state of emergency. Getting in formation, we line the cabins with macaroni dreamcatchers.

8. Timmy cries because the bear attack reminds him that his dog is sick, or something. I find a worm in my foot after weeks of not bathing, but I keep this to myself.