Count:&nbsp;People of Marseilles! For twenty years you unfairly imprisoned me. Now behold my immense wealth, my fabulous travel balloon, and my&nbsp;fine jewels!
Man:&nbsp;Hallo over there, fellow ballooner! Could you please speed up your travel balloon?
Count:&nbsp;Excuse me? I bought this balloon myself and I think I&rsquo;ll go as slow as I like.
Salesman:&nbsp;Having balloon problems? Don&rsquo;t we all! Come on down to the Garage &ndash; free lemonade while you wait!
Police:&nbsp;Move along, move along! The air is for all travel balloons.
Count:&nbsp;I&rsquo;m sorry are there a significant number of these things?
Mayor of Marseilles:&nbsp;Make way for the mayor&rsquo;s travel balloon!
Count:&nbsp;Mayor Villarde! Remember me, you bastard?
Mayor:&nbsp;My god, you escaped!
Count:&nbsp;I challenge you to a duel!
Mayor:&nbsp;Hmmmm, don&rsquo;t see how we would do that in travel balloons but I&rsquo;m sure we can think of something.
Count:&nbsp;You could get off&nbsp;your balloon.
Mayor:&nbsp;Now, now&ndash;- that&rsquo;s no fun.

Count: People of Marseilles! For twenty years you unfairly imprisoned me. Now behold my immense weal...

The Count of Monte Cristo Returns to Marseilles

So a couple days ago my wife and I decided to restart the old marriage. Seeing as I&rsquo;m impotent we decided to get a cat. So we went on down to the shelter and picked out this nice little tabby cat named Macavity. He was just the cutest thing you&rsquo;d ever put your eyes on.
But then I noticed that my wife was spending a lot of time with Macavity. I saw her petting him a lot. I mean he is very cute and all. I just didn&rsquo;t like the way that she said she needed to go check on his water-bowl.
So I ran that little&nbsp;fluff&nbsp;over with my wheelbarrow and that was that. Turns out that my wife is pregnant anyways so this is going to be the beginning of a whole new chapter in our lives.

So a couple days ago my wife and I decided to restart the old marriage. Seeing as I’m impotent we de...

New Cat

Hey Guys! I&rsquo;m sending you this email to invite you to help with my crowdfunding campaign.
I&rsquo;m currently in the market for a bell. I saw one I really liked last month. One hundred percent bronze, solid construction, nice tone, and it was made pretty humanely. It&rsquo;s a little heavy &ndash; 13.5 tons &ndash; and because bells cost $2000 per ton, it costs $27,000. I just don&rsquo;t have that kind of money.
The bell is in China right now. That&rsquo;s where they make these things. Transportation isn&rsquo;t a big issue though. My guy at the bell company says that once you get them on their sides, they roll with no problem. He&rsquo;ll roll them anywhere.
The reason I need this bell is because of my sleep disorder. If you know me (and you don&rsquo;t have to to donate) you know how hard it is for me to get up in the morning. Soon eight o&rsquo;clock becomes nine o&rsquo;clock and I&rsquo;m left&nbsp;wondering where my day went. But this bell? It will be too loud to ignore. It has to be because it&rsquo;s so big. If it&rsquo;s not, it will still be fun to look at. Just the anticipation of looking at it will be reason to wake up in the morning.
I&rsquo;ve already cleared a space in my backyard for the bell so everything&rsquo;s ready on my end. I don&rsquo;t expect any objections from the neighbors because this bell is so beautiful. Big bells double property values.
All I need from you guys is donations. Give as much as you can but make sure it&rsquo;s a lot because this thing is expensive. Whoever gives the most will get to ring the bell anytime they want, one time only.

Hey Guys!I’m sending you this email to invite you to help with my crowdfunding campaign.
I’m curren...

Crowdsourcing Request

8:00am &ndash; Wake up and shower. This is easy if you sleep in the shower.
11:30am &ndash; Put some clothes on! Really just best if your clothes are hanging in the shower.
11:31am &ndash; Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and the shower is the most important room in the YMCA where you live. Mary from the front desk will bring you some grits.
1:30pm &ndash; Time to use the restroom. Locate the nearest toilet.
4:23pm &ndash; Ugh, off&nbsp;to work! Conveniently, your job is to clean the singular shower which is also your home.
9:30pm &ndash; Turn on the shower, curl up in the corner and cry while you think about people in the world who are so so dirty.
10:45pm &ndash; Push ups.
12:00am &ndash; Rejoice! Life is a blessing.

8:00am – Wake up and shower. This is easy if you sleep in the shower.
11:30am – Put some clothes on...

Morning Routine

1. Toodle-ee-doo! The trumpet song wakes me up&mdash;time to canoe to breakfast.
2. I eat slop with the gang. Timmy shows us a scab he got wrestling a bear and we name him our king. Plan for the day: Do boy things with my man friends.
3. Uh oh! There&rsquo;s Susie Schwartz, the hottest girl at Camp Konakwee. She skips to the canteen and seductively dumps a bucket of iced tea on her head. Timmy immediately passes out. Susie throws us a coy little wink as mosquitos devour her body.
4. We play dodgeball, the sport of kings. I hit the fat kid in the face and his chest ripples violently. Even on his dying day, Ol&rsquo; Jiggle Tits never lives this down.
5. Lunch: More slop. Susie leads a tie- dye demonstration and the boys come of age.
6. It&rsquo;s scorching hot, so we cartwheel to the lake. We tie up Jiggle Tits and swing him into the murky water. Nice! Here at Camp Kweeterkwon, summer is forever.
7. Darn: Susie skips too close to the forest and is eaten by a bear. The camp declares a state of emergency. Getting in formation, we line the cabins with macaroni dreamcatchers.
8. Timmy cries because the bear attack reminds him that his dog is sick, or something. I&nbsp;find a worm in my foot after weeks of not bathing, but I keep this to myself.

1. Toodle-ee-doo! The trumpet song wakes me up—time to canoe to breakfast.
2. I eat slop with the g...

What I Imagine Summer Camp is Like

I was so excited when I got my&nbsp;first pair of sun-glasses, because I was able to see things that were very far away as if they were up close, in the sun. &ldquo;Are you much of a birdwatcher?&rdquo; the shop owner asked when I bought them. What an idiot, I thought. &ldquo;These are for seeing in the sun,&rdquo; I told him. &ldquo;Well, yes,&rdquo; he replied, and rang up the rest of my purchase&ndash;a book about birds and a pair of glasses that had really dark lenses&ndash;in silence.
The book about birds proved to be an okay gift&nbsp;for my niece, Karl, and the glasses with dark lenses were excellent for shutting out the light when I wanted to go to sleep at night. But best of all were my sunglasses, which I wore every day. I had only three complaints. First, after using my sunglasses to look directly into the sun, as I liked to see it very close up, I developed irreversible macular degeneration. Secondly, instead of making me appear more cool, as I had heard would happen, men often became angry when I approached them wearing my sunglasses, which I used to look directly at their crotches, as I liked to see their crotches very close up.

I was so excited when I got my first pair of sun-glasses, because I was able to see things that were...

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