<ul>
<li>Hello! Welcome to&nbsp;Go Chase Happiness And Dreams Travel Agency.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Hi, my 8-months pregnant wife and I would like to book a vacation to non-American soil.</li>
<li>Make the baby unable to run for president. Smart, sir. Perhaps a getaway to Chad?</li>
<li>What&rsquo;s Chad? My wife and our soon-to-be-born son both don&rsquo;t know what Chad is.&nbsp;</li>
<li>No problem. Planning a trip for two to Chad.&nbsp;</li>
<li>We were thinking about somewhere like the Bahamas.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Bahamas? Chad? Both have people, airports. I can book flights to both, but it&rsquo;s you who needs to decide what you really want.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Bahamas. Definitely Bahamas.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Okay, we&rsquo;ll take care of the rest. Let me tell you about our special in the meantime: Everyone who takes a trip to the Bahamas gets a FREE one-week trip to Chad.</li>
<li>Wow. That&rsquo;s a great deal for people wanting to go to Chad. What&rsquo;s the catch?&nbsp;</li>
<li>Travelers must take the trip to Chad first and play cards with the locals until they&rsquo;re satisfied.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Well I&rsquo;ll be damned. They like playing cards in Chad? Who would&rsquo;ve thought?</li>
<li>Yes, sir. It is a great deal. I&rsquo;ll put you down for the special and alert the locals now.</li>
<li>No thank you. I don&rsquo;t want to go to Chad. I&rsquo;m still not sure what it is. Just the Bahamas for me, please.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Everyone who books a trip to the Bahamas must take the special.&nbsp;</li>
<li>What kind of policy is that?&nbsp;</li>
<li>It&rsquo;s our policy, sir.&nbsp;</li>
<li>I&rsquo;d like to speak to your manager.&nbsp;</li>
<li>You&rsquo;ll meet him when you come to Chad, but yes sir, I&rsquo;ll get the minister of tourism now.</li>
<li>Minister of tourism? What kind of company is this? I should call the cops right now.</li>
<li>Company? No, sir. This is the Government of Chad.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>


Hello! Welcome to Go Chase Happiness And Dreams Travel Agency. 
Hi, my 8-months pregnant wife and...

Springtime Getaway

Teacher:&nbsp;Greg, could you open discussion on the theme of villainy in&nbsp;Great Expectations? Greg:&nbsp;Well&hellip;there are of course a few people that could be considered criminals in the book.
Teacher:&nbsp;A few criminals? Most, actually all, literary critics would disagree. Please elaborate. Greg:&nbsp;I think I take it back. There are no criminals in this book?&nbsp; Teacher:&nbsp;Greg, you&rsquo;ve hooked me, but use the fishing rod of knowledge to enlighten me further.
Greg:&nbsp;You know, how do we define criminal, and who in the book really meets this definition?
Teacher:&nbsp;My interpretation is that we meet a character pretty early on that committed murder.
Greg:&nbsp;I don&rsquo;t think we really know this character at this point. I certainly don&rsquo;t.&nbsp; Teacher:&nbsp;At this point in the book you mean.&nbsp; Greg:&nbsp;Yes? Yes.&nbsp; Teacher:&nbsp;It might help if you name that criminal I was referring to and tell us what you mean.
Amanda:&nbsp;It&rsquo;s pretty clear that Greg can&rsquo;t name this criminal, nor has he read the book.&nbsp; Greg:&nbsp;We could sit here and indict every character in the book as a &ldquo;criminal&rdquo; or &ldquo;murderer&rdquo; if we really wanted to. You&rsquo;d know that if&nbsp;you&nbsp;read the book, Amanda.&nbsp; Teacher:&nbsp;Then it seems, to teach Amanda, you can name any character in the book, Greg.&nbsp; Greg:&nbsp;&hellip;.So it would seem.&nbsp; Teacher:&nbsp;Then go ahead and name any character in the book. Name one character.&nbsp; Amanda:&nbsp;Oh come on. The author names four non-criminal characters on the first page, Greg.
Teacher:&nbsp;It seems Amanda would better understand your analysis if you named the author. Greg:&nbsp;Katherine Evans.&nbsp; Teacher:&nbsp;That&rsquo;s my name, Greg.&nbsp; Greg:&nbsp;Right, right. Just addressing you directly when I say that the author is Charles Dickens, or so the cover of the book would have us believe.&nbsp; Teacher:&nbsp;(Smiling) You see, Amanda. If you listen, you can learn a lot from others&rsquo; readings, like I have from Greg today. Good job, Greg. Amanda, I have nothing more to say to you. Amanda:&nbsp;This is unbelievable. Greg contributed absolutely nothing to today&rsquo;s discussion.&nbsp; Greg:&nbsp;You&rsquo;re right. The characters were today&rsquo;s real contributors. The criminal and the other characters. That is if there were others.

Teacher: Greg, could you open discussion on the theme of villainy in Great Expectations?Greg: Well…t...

Book Discussion

<ul>
<li>Okay, Nathan. Now tell me what you see in this picture.&nbsp;</li>
<li>That&rsquo;s a headshot of you, but your neck is slightly tilted to the right in this one.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Good. And which is more appealing?&nbsp;</li>
<li>The third one, but Doctor, I&rsquo;m sort of lost in how this will help to diagnose depression.&nbsp;</li>
<li>We&rsquo;ll get there in due time. You&rsquo;re probably depressed if I had to guess though. Now, please describe what you see in this film.&nbsp;</li>
<li>I am? (Crying) Oh my gosh. This is even more awful than I could have imagined.</li>
<li>Yes, the writing isn&rsquo;t perfect, but the acting?</li>
<li>(In tears) I thought things would get better, man. I&rsquo;ve tried my best to appreciate the stuff that&rsquo;s in front of me every minute.&nbsp;&nbsp;</li>
<li>Things do get better, Nathan, in the second act, once you climb the mountain of exposition. But come on, you&rsquo;ve got to tell me how the pirate actor is doing!</li>
<li>(Still sobbing) The pirate looks like you. He&rsquo;s &mdash; you&rsquo;re doing alright I guess.&nbsp;</li>
<li>What is the pirate actor doing wrong? Help me help you.&nbsp;</li>
<li>He&rsquo;s overplaying the part. You can tell he&rsquo;s acting.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Interesting perspective. Do you still think this actor can make it to the big screen?</li>
<li>Yes. No&hellip;I don&rsquo;t know. Probably not. (wiping nose) How do I fight this thing, Doctor?&nbsp;</li>
<li>We need to find the root of the problem. Oh, and Prozac will help with the depression.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Hold on, rewind the film. You&rsquo;re looking at your phone for lines a lot.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Perhaps I was checking on my patients and their various forms of depression, Nathan.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Clearly. You switched mid-scene from an Irish to a Scottish accent.&nbsp;</li>
<li>There are few people who can tell the difference. But I guess they&rsquo;re all movie critics.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Oh come on, you&rsquo;re acting out the stage directions one line ahead of the script.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Why would they put the direction above the dialogue if you weren&rsquo;t supposed to do it before you say it?&nbsp;&nbsp;</li>
</ul>


Okay, Nathan. Now tell me what you see in this picture. 
That’s a headshot of you, but your neck ...

Therapy

As a fireman, I face difficult decisions on a daily and nightly basis. For instance, do I take the day shifts or the night shifts? Who is working the night shift? Is Rick working the night shift? Questions like these demonstrate that being a fireman is more than just sliding down greasy poles and spraying things with hoses: it is doing these things with a select group of people that will determine your level of enjoyment of these activities.&nbsp;
When you&rsquo;re putting out fires, you cannot save everything and everyone. For example, many things are on fire. You cannot save these things. People also often have some objects that they value more than others: wedding or family photos for instance. It is for that reason that I have put a special priority on saving these precious symbols of sentimentality, even if it comes at the expense of saving those in the photo.&nbsp;
As a fireman, you have to decide who lives and who dies. Most people would agree that a helpless baby should be saved over an older person with only a few years left to live. These people say that we ought to be prioritizing our future over our past, and that means leaving the old ones to burn.
While I disagree with the ageist sentiment, the answer is correct: save the family photos, then save the babies. Without babies we forfeit humanity&rsquo;s future. And without family photos we forfeit those babies knowing the precious faces of their grandparents who died by fire.

As a fireman, I face difficult decisions on a daily and nightly basis. For instance, do I take the d...

Fireman

- Anything to declare?&nbsp;
- Yeah. I declare my love for you, Jenny Hinds!&nbsp;
- Now is that greater than $100 in worth?&nbsp;
- It&rsquo;s priceless. My love is priceless.

- Anything to declare? 
- Yeah. I declare my love for you, Jenny Hinds! 
- Now is that greater tha...

Going Through Customs in a Rom-Com

<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">You may, but keep it quick, I have five minutes until Judge Judy comes on, and I&rsquo;m going to have to watch that if we want the second half of this trial to go smoothly.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Your Honor, I highly advise that you not run this trial like we&rsquo;re in Judge Judy.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Fine, fine, I&rsquo;ll just watch that new episode of Night Court. </li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Night Court hasn&rsquo;t been on for two decades, your Honor. </li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">A rerun. I&rsquo;ll watch a rerun. Jesus, you&rsquo;d think this guy was cross-examining me.&nbsp;</li>
<li>Do you always watch judge shows during recesses?</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I also eat lunch and call my wife.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Your Honor, have you seen a movie called My Cousin Vinny?</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Sustained.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">You remember that scene where Vinny gets his nephew off of that murder charge?</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If it occurred in a courtroom in a movie, I remember it. This better be getting somewhere.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Let&rsquo;s run the trial like that.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">That sounds like a &mdash; wait a second. I know what you&rsquo;re doing. You&rsquo;re trying to get the de&ndash;, defender&ndash;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Defendant.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">You&rsquo;re trying to get the defendant off from murder.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Well my client is on trial for tax evasion and money laundering, but yes, that&rsquo;s the idea.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">This would be highly inappropriate in almost all of the movies I&rsquo;ve seen.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Yes, but if we ended the case now, you&rsquo;d have a chance to watch more movies where there is a possibility that this isn&rsquo;t inappropriate.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Case dismissed.</li>
</ul>


You may, but keep it quick, I have five minutes until Judge Judy comes on, and I’m going to have t...

May I Approach the Bench?

Driver: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Officer: You been drinking tonight, sir? Where you been drinking tonight, sir?
Driver: No, officer, I haven&rsquo;t been drinking.&nbsp;
Officer: Oh, I know you been somewhere. Where you been? That&rsquo;s all I&rsquo;m asking.
Driver: I was at my friend Todd&rsquo;s house, but Todd doesn&rsquo;t drink when he&rsquo;s not driving &ndash; I mean I don&rsquo;t drink when I&rsquo;m not driving. I don&rsquo;t drink at all that is.&nbsp;
Officer: I&rsquo;m going to need you to step outside of the vehicle and show me your license and registration.&nbsp;
Driver: Yes, officer, of course. Here you go. And might I say that I promise it wasn&rsquo;t more than two beers.&nbsp;
Officer: (Reading) Hmm.
Driver: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Just that you said you were at your friend Todd&rsquo;s house, but you&rsquo;re also named Todd.
Driver: It&rsquo;s a very Todd-heavy area I guess. Todds galore.&nbsp;
Officer: I just ran your name through the system, and I only see one Todd in this county.&nbsp;
Driver: That&rsquo;s because the Todd I know is right over the county lines.&nbsp;
Officer: I think the only Todd you and I both know is right here.&nbsp;
Driver: Officer?
Officer: I&rsquo;m writing you a citation.&nbsp;
Driver: Officer, please, can I sing the &ldquo;Star-Spangled Banner&rdquo; or say my ABCs backwards?
Officer: Next time, just be honest about where you were. And you see that &ndash; that&rsquo;s my number right there. Next time, you give me a call.&nbsp;

Driver: What seems to be the problem, officer?
Officer: You been drinking tonight, sir? Where you b...

FOMO Cop on the Job

<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Those files better say that I can buy a boat, Gene. My wife loves boats. My girlfriend loves boats.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I&rsquo;m looking at your files, and for starters, you can declare bankruptcy.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Gene, what the hell are you talking about? I checked my account just last week and saw $40,000.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Sorry. I must not have seen a couple of zeroes. It&rsquo;s these goddamn french fries. They always grease &lsquo;em to the point where your fingers are smudging things for hours.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">You can always wash your hands after eating.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I&rsquo;ve been your accountant for forty years, and every day I&rsquo;ve eaten french fries at lunch.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Jesus, Gene. How&rsquo;s that treating your health?&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">I got high cholesterol. Doctor says I only got twenty five years to live, but you know everybody only cares about Gene come April, when he&rsquo;s saving them tens of thousands of dollars.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">You eat french fries every day at lunch? And you&rsquo;ve never washed your hands after?</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Forty years running.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Gene, how many clients do you have?&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Ten? A hundred? How the hell am I supposed to know?</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">The IRS, Gene. This is tax fraud on a major scale.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">The IRS? You mean the IR? Those guys have been sending me a lot of emails.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Gene, I gotta call my lawyer. This is unfathomable.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">What are we talking about here? A couple of missed zeroes. It can happen to anybody. My granddaughter does it all the time.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Your granddaughter doesn&rsquo;t manage my life savings.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">My granddaughter doesn&rsquo;t manage your life savings on weekdays.</li>
</ul>


Those files better say that I can buy a boat, Gene. My wife loves boats. My girlfriend loves boats...

Oliver Adler.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Oliver Adler