Rick, 40
I&rsquo;d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s sacrifice John!&rdquo; I yell. The Leader retorts that today is community garden day. I know she&rsquo;s testing me. This whole sting will be wrecked if I&rsquo;m outed, so I yell, &ldquo;She&rsquo;s not aligned with the mission! Who wants to kill the Leader?!&rdquo;
&nbsp;
Mary, 25
&ldquo;Me!&rdquo; I shout back. A front-row seat means good data for my dissertation on cult psychology. To maintain the integrity of the study, it&rsquo;s important I don&rsquo;t disrupt regular cult operations. Instead, I chime in, &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s try the Elrod method! It&rsquo;s used in over 65% of cult murders. Or so I&rsquo;ve heard.&rdquo;&nbsp;
&nbsp;
George, 63
If the Leader dies, so does my Times column on the first-ever female cult president. Then again, I want Mary to know I respect the opinions of women, so when she tells me to kill the Leader, I don&rsquo;t question her. I listen.
&nbsp;
The Leader, 45
Don&rsquo;t repeat this, but I only infiltrated the cult years ago to practice making friends. I&rsquo;ve never made an assertive claim aloud, making me an amiable leader. I&rsquo;ll ruin those relationships if I stand up for myself. So, when they&rsquo;re trying to kill me, I let them.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Rick, 40
I’d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. “Let’s sacrifice John!” I y...

Chronological Excerpts from the Rochester Cult Massacre Reports

- So I&rsquo;m eating a pint of ice cream a day and chasing it with a rotisserie chicken, but a few weeks in I get the feeling that maybe I&rsquo;m overdoing it.
- Uh huh.
- And I go to my doctor and he says, yeah, I have a few weeks to live.
- Oh, man.
- I reread the script, too, and I just noticed it doesn&rsquo;t even say my character is fat. I think I saw a fat person the day I got the script and I was thinking about them.
- Yeah, I was about to say.
- Anyway, I did the math and I think I can finish shooting my role before I die, which you know&hellip;
- Yes of course let&rsquo;s get moving. Right away. Voiceover booth&rsquo;s this way.
- All righty.

- So I’m eating a pint of ice cream a day and chasing it with a rotisserie chicken, but a few weeks ...

Actor Who Got Really Fat for a Movie

John: I got the money right here. Let&rsquo;s make this quick.
Dealer: Say&hellip; aren&rsquo;t you John Qui&ntilde;ones?&nbsp;
John: Oh God&mdash;look, I&rsquo;m off the clock, I promise this isn&rsquo;t for the show&mdash;
Dealer: Oh, of course. There are no cameras around, and it would be unreasonable to assume everything you do in your day-to-day life is for your TV show. Here&rsquo;s the drugs.
John: Okay, thank you for the drugs.&nbsp;
Dealer: No, thank you!

John: I got the money right here. Let’s make this quick.
Dealer: Say… aren’t you John Quiñones? 
J...

John Quiñones, Host of the Hidden Camera Program What Would You Do?, Attempts To Buy Drugs on the Street

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&mdash; &nbsp;How was your weekend?
&mdash; &nbsp;I can&rsquo;t tell you about things I did in the past.
&mdash; &nbsp;Wait why?
&mdash; &nbsp;If we talk about actions in the past then the&nbsp;dialogue seems stale.
&mdash; &nbsp;Sorry, I didn&rsquo;t know.
&mdash; &nbsp;It&rsquo;s alright.
&mdash; &nbsp;How about those hedge-trimmers you&rsquo;re&nbsp;working with? I hear the series 9000 is pretty&nbsp;advanced.
&mdash; &nbsp;What? No that&rsquo;s even worse. If we mention&nbsp;what I&rsquo;m doing in the present then we should&rsquo;ve just had this whole conversation in prose.
&mdash; &nbsp;Well then what can we talk about?
&mdash; &nbsp;I&rsquo;m not sure. I think it&rsquo;s supposed to be&nbsp;a contextual thing, where the characters involved are in a bit of a sticky / awkward situation.
&mdash; &nbsp;Kinda like this?
&mdash; &nbsp;No this is too meta. It would come across as&nbsp;overdeveloped.
&mdash; ...And I think most people would agree that ellipses are a little overused.
&mdash; &nbsp;I think I&rsquo;ll just leave you alone.
&mdash; &nbsp;Okay. See you around. [Steps back to admire&nbsp;the completed hedge-sculpture: a hyper-realistic depiction of two people engaged in a dialogue that uses complex action lines as a crutch.]
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—  How was your weekend?
—  I can’t tell you about things I did in the past.
—  Wait why?
—...

Dialogue Piece

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Knock knock. Hey silly. It&rsquo;s me. The deceased 50 year old man who has permanently moved into your brain. How are we? That was a joke. Not only do I live in your brain, but&nbsp;I pride myself on being perceptive to the needs of others.&nbsp;I always remember to feed my cat. Can you say the same? No. You can&rsquo;t. You haven&rsquo;t left your bedroom in the last month and you don&rsquo;t have a cat.
If I had a choice, I would not have decided to live in your brain. You were one of few individuals willing to drill a microchip into your skull for $200. You clearly have little to live for. But you and I are stuck together, pal. And it would mean a whole lot if you would stop buying cartons of supermarket frosting and finishing them in one sitting. Sometimes I wonder why you lived and I died.
No hard feelings. I just want you to know that there&rsquo;s a whole world out there and that it&rsquo;s pretty awesome. Back in the &lsquo;90s, we&rsquo;d do lots of cool things like opening our window shades and leaving the house. Say, you could even learn to ride a bike. Lose your virginity. Learn to ride a bike while you lose your virginity. I&rsquo;m saying this because I care about you. I&rsquo;m also saying this because I would love to relive these formative experiences from a fascinating new perspective.
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Your prefrontal cortex is activated, so you must feel happy, sad, goal-driven, judgmental, or any emotion. To be transparent, we understand so little about the human brain. This whole undertaking will have some sort of impact, and that impact is very likely to be negative. But thanks again for having me. I&rsquo;ll do my best to get you out of the house because quite frankly I&rsquo;m extremely bored.
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Knock knock. Hey silly. It’s me. The deceased 50 year old man who has permanently moved into...

Brain Man

Thank you all so much for showing up to the courthouse this morning, even in the rain. Over the past few decades together, we&rsquo;ve all learned that there&rsquo;s a lot to love about this place &mdash; the straight-shooting heckler in the back row, the icy water fountain outside bankruptcy court. In the future, I&rsquo;d also love to get some fun facts going during depositions.&nbsp;
Historically, I&rsquo;ve delayed my verdict when I sense a strong community forming. There are also instances when there are bureaucratic delays and for that I apologize. I&rsquo;m here to tell you today that I have reached a decision because the statute of limitations is about to expire. It&rsquo;s been the honor of my life getting to bond with all of you, and I&rsquo;m sure everyone in this room feels the same. This is not something you&rsquo;ve communicated with your words. Rather, it is a conclusion based on my generous interpretations of your ambiguous actions.&nbsp;
I&rsquo;d be remiss not to give a few quick thank yous to everyone who helped me along the way. First of all, huge shoutout to our defendants. It is a sign of maturity to unequivocally admit you are at fault. You were fighting an uphill battle, but you did it with grace and kindness. Second, thank you to our career jurors. Most people would not be willing to dedicate their adult life to discussing a traffic violation. You are a self-selecting group of chronically unemployed individuals and experts in street safety. I couldn&rsquo;t be more pleased. Lastly, thank you to my parents. You had no role in this case but were very present throughout my childhood.&nbsp;&nbsp;
When this whole debacle is over, I&rsquo;d love to treat you all to a barbeque at my place. I must warn you, though, I run a very tight ship in the kitchen &mdash; you&rsquo;re all my guests so no one is allowed to lift a finger! Unless, of course, you really want to. There&rsquo;s also a great place we could grab drinks a few blocks over. If anyone is uncomfortable with alcohol, message me privately and I&rsquo;m happy to cancel the entire event. Either way, I&rsquo;ll love you the same. You&rsquo;re all the best and this case is a tie.

Thank you all so much for showing up to the courthouse this morning, even in the rain. Over the past...

Non-Confrontational Judge

Next in Line Comix

&ldquo;How was your summer, Bob Golf?&rdquo; chuckles the hottest guy in school. I like to stand behind him in the hallway until he notices me. &ldquo;Terrible,&rdquo; I respond. &ldquo;I got cut from the golf team, so now I&rsquo;m a nobody named Bob.&rdquo; With that, I begin a vivid description of how horrible this year will be. He responds with an anecdote from his summer in Fiji.
In first period, I force myself to sit alone like a loser. &ldquo;Do we have a, Bob Golf?&rdquo; the science teacher asks, peering around the classroom to where I&rsquo;m sulking in the back corner. I stare into his eyes and state that I am just Bob. &ldquo;Oh, that&rsquo;s fine,&rdquo; he responds. &ldquo;I just wanted to make sure because I thought there was a bizarre typo on the attendance sheet.&rdquo;
At lunchtime, I storm into the cafeteria and interpret the lunch lady&rsquo;s ambiguous stare as active animosity. &ldquo;Yeah I know you probably heard that my last name isn&rsquo;t Golf anymore so you think I&rsquo;m a misfit,&rdquo; I scream in her face. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s a detention, young man!&rdquo; roars the lunch monitor, noticing that I&rsquo;ve grabbed an extra chicken tender. I pass the golf course on the way to the principal&rsquo;s office. A single tear trickles down my cheek.&nbsp;
&ldquo;Bob Golf,&rdquo; the principal greets me, familiar with my extensive behavioral issues. &ldquo;Just Bob, no golf,&rdquo; I bark. After he looks through his records and cannot find any student named Bob, he tells me that I functionally don&rsquo;t exist. &ldquo;As such, I cannot discipline you,&rdquo; he concludes. &ldquo;Please head to Calculus.&rdquo;&nbsp;
I hate math, so I grab my stuff and jump into Mom&rsquo;s car, where she waits all day in the parking lot. &ldquo;How was school, sweetie?&rdquo; she asks. &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t brood in the bathroom all day,&rdquo; I report. And we hug because we both know this is the best day ever.

“How was your summer, Bob Golf?” chuckles the hottest guy in school. I like to stand behind him in t...

Maria Carpenter.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Maria Carpenter