Artwork: ghost

The History of Hats

Author: JPW '21
As seen in: Symphonia Fantastica #

There are all types of hats, like silver or classic. But hats haven’t always dominated our collective psyche. See, there was this guy Randolph R. Hats, and he had the last name Hats, which was super cool. But it was actually his second cousin, Greg Miller, who went to jail for selling high-grade cocaine to young children. Anyway, Randolph R. Hats invented hats.

See, Randolph was sunbathing by the pool, the skin on his face all burnt and crusty, and suddenly, a thought crossed his mind — do some dogs need glasses? After he determined there was no conceivable way dogs needed glasses, he realized humans have been exposed to sunlight for several years. So he invented sunscreen, which failed spectacularly.

Randolph had to think of something less creamy. Baseball caps were around, but they were exclusively for people who played indoor volleyball. So Randolph went to the patent office with the idea for an inclusive hat, but he forgot it was a Sunday. On Sundays, the patent officers deny patents to the Portuguese. Randolph tried again, but they still denied his patent, even though he waited seven days.

Randolph invented hats a few years later to protect himself against bear attacks. Well, that didn’t really work since when he went hiking in the woods, he forgot to wear his hat. A few broken fibulas couldn’t stop Randolph from inventing, though. Ever heard of bicycle helmets? Well, Randolph was wearing one when he invented the lightbulb.