Suburbia #

This is the Suburbia # because I grew up in the suburbs, and also because the only thing I’m afraid of more than being a suburban housewife, is being a suburban housewife whose husband cheats o…

Justice Is Served #

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury,

I will prove to you throughout the Justice is Served # that my client is innocent beyond a shadow of a doubt. On second thought, that is too high of a bar: I will m…

The Quixotic #

Last time we tried to publish a piece written in classical Spanish, we got called out and everyone had to resign. This time will be no different.


Dearest reader,

I know what you’re thinking: “This issue’s about computers? You told me it was going to be about dinosaurs! I bet my life savings on your issue theme, man.”

Upside Up #

You know, I didn’t always want to be a writer for the Lampoon. I had big dreams once, like going to med school and starting a family. But then I grew up. I realized that I have a paramount resp…

We Like To Have Fun #

Last week, I started getting targeted ads on Facebook telling me to quit porn. I barely get half of my porn from Facebook, so I don’t really understand why I’m getting these ads. And I me…

What Have We Done #

There’s an unwritten rule at the Lampoon that our president emails us every week: don’t make jokes about pop culture. Obviously we don’t want to turn Lampy into a more provocative v…

The Proper Bostonians #

What is to be done about the crisis of The Harvard Lampoon? Can anything stop a magazine’s knees from bending under the weight of its own greatness? And where can I find the lowest prices on gr…

Mutually Assured Destruction #

From the Desk of EBC, December 2021:

Dear Readers,

I thought an issue about the nuclear apocalypse would be totally uncontroversial, considering that there would certainly be no chance that the wor…

Lampy Sells Out #

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Medically speaking, I have no idea what smoking this magazine will do to your body. Never-ending orgasmic bliss? Maybe. But it'll probably just give you cancer.

The Mental Health Issue #

Tired? Stressed? Angry? Upset? Anxious? Fearful? Delusional? Cool, me too. 

Cool #

On the first day, God created the heavens and the earth. “Let there be light,” He said, and there was light. And God saw that it was
good—or, no, ‘good’ wasn’t quit…

Best Served Cold #

Three Gilberts died in the making of this magazine. Two survived.

The Unstoppable March #

Dear Reader—

There are times in everyone’s life that they question the nature of time. This is one of those times. Question, I say, question!

Me and My Lovers #

My greatest hope for you all is that you actually know how to read because this issue is full of letters and words. They aren’t hard ones, but they might require a quick peek at the Scrabble di…

For Your Consideration #

Dear Judging Committee for the American Society for Magazine Editors,

I notice you have not been receiving my letters. I can not emphasize enough how much I respect your work, despite the fact that …

Nantucket Sleighride #

Questions people frequently ask me, Zachary D. Goddard, born March 28, 1997, on Nantucket, MA.
What is a Nantucket Sleighride?
When a wounded whale pulls around a whaleboat (to which it is attached via…

Larry vs. the Infernal Machine #

Welcome to the Leisure Suit’s Larry’s Leisure Corner. Sit down. Relax. Take a break from laughing at all these funny pieces. Want a drink? It’s on me… Huh? What’s that?…