Suburbia #


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Art Editor:
Publication: December 2023

This is the Suburbia # because I grew up in the suburbs, and also because the only thing I’m afraid of more than being a suburban housewife, is being a suburban housewife whose husband cheats on me with my hot neighbor. The easiest way to conquer my fear would be to become a political lesbian. The harder, therapeutic, work would be to have the staff of The Harvard Lampoon brutally satirize my nightmare while I do hot pilates.

Somehow, even though my own suburban nightmares are about being a parent, this issue did end up, more or less, about childhood in suburbia. It’s probably because the writers are, or recently were, children. I myself have been told I act like a child on several occasions and, honestly, still consider myself a child though, strictly speaking, I am a “woman”.

I am not a mother myself, but I do feel I have experienced some suburban-mom-style crises. For example: The more I do, the more anxious I am, and the less I do, the more sad I am. Maybe I just don’t want to be happy. Maybe I just want to buy a fridge magnet that jokes about how much wine I drink. A fridge magnet-shaped cry for help that will go looked at, laughed at, but not read.

Historically, nothing happens in the suburbs. They’re sleepy and boring. We know this. However, in the following pages you will find a whole bunch of crazy things that could theoretically happen in the suburbs, if they were less boring. Exactly three of the pieces in this issue are exact recounts of actual events witnessed or experienced by suburban writers of The Harvard Lampoon. I will not tell you which. If you find out which, you should let me know. If you have the mental power to figure out which of these is real, I trust your ability to track me down. See you then!


Pieces

EAT '24   •   December 2023
I walk in the door, yoga pants bunched tight around my middle-aged buttocks. My husband thinks I&rs…
AKG, DCCP   •   December 2023
EAT '24   •   December 2023
Growing up in the 70’s was crazy…Bell-bottoms, Reagan was an actor… The thing t…
MRB '25   •   December 2023
Ever since I earned my online economics nanodegree, I’ve been controlling my fourth-grade cla…
Hogtown
44
CYL '26   •   December 2023
Most people move to Hogtown for the good public schools.  They either come for that or Larry t…
LKN '25   •   December 2023
-Hello class, today we have a new student. He was raised by wolves. -Hi, everyone. I’m Drew.…
MIC '26   •   December 2023
SEH '26   •   December 2023
Good morning Vietnam! No, it's not Robin Williams. I know everyone gets excited every time I do tha…
JKF '25   •   December 2023
On summer nights, I would sit by the train tracks. There wasn’t much to do around town except…
CYL '26   •   December 2023
My mom used to tell me that I just had to wait for puberty to hit and then I wouldn’t be ugly…
LKN '25   •   December 2023
“I Can Totally See This Being Mayonnaise” Margarine “It’s For My Windshiel…
RYSL   •   December 2023
Dear Suburbs, You are my roots; I owe you everything. You molded me into the man that the city to…
SEH '26   •   December 2023
Children under the age of 14 may not use the pool without a parent or guardian present, unless th…
VG   •   December 2023
For our anniversary, my husband Thomas got me a new sink.  It’s almost as if he’s…