Artwork: AKG '25

Raised by Wolves

Author: LKN '25
As seen in: Suburbia #

-Hello class, today we have a new student. He was raised by wolves.

-Hi, everyone. I’m Drew. It’s a pleasure to meet you all.

-Oh my, Drew—you are quite articulate for a child raised by wolves.

-Well, the wolves who raised me were raised by humans.


-Why is there an anthropologist sitting in the back of the classroom?

-Don't mind him. He’s just going to study you.

-He should study my parents. They’re wolves that speak English, wear clothes, and lead ordinary domestic lives.

-Wow. So your parents are wolves.


-Drew, you’re not playing with the other kids at recess. Are you developmentally stunted as a result of your wolf upbringing?

-We’re just playing hide-and-seek. I’m “it” right now.

-Did your wolf parents not teach you to hunt?

-They just buy groceries like everyone else.


-Son, I told you not to bring anthropologists to our home.

-He followed me here.

-Well, I’m trying to do my crossword and drink coffee and file taxes. What did I tell you to say when an anthropologist is bothering you?


[Anthropologist furiously takes notes]


-Okay class, it’s time for Drew to present his final project—.

-I can’t…

-And why is that?

-…My dad…he ate it.