Artwork: AKG '25


Author: CYL '26
As seen in: Suburbia #

Most people move to Hogtown for the good public schools.  They either come for that or Larry the 2,000 pound hog.  We’re rated fifth in the country for standardized test scores and third in the country for hog to square foot ratio.  If we can get Larry to expand just a couple more inches though, we may be able to beat our rival Wilmington, who’s currently ranked at number two.  None of their hogs have anything on Larry, but they do have more than one hog.  In fact they have several.

Hogtown used to be a hub for illiterate kids and also crime.  Then Mayor Gibson moved to town and with him law and order in the form of five literate teachers and one glorious hog.  Unfortunately the hog that Gibson brought named Susie died shortly after her arrival.  The people of Hogtown agreed not to upset Mayor Gibson so they swapped out Susie with Larry after she died.  Fortunately Gibson didn’t notice because Larry was only 300 pounds bigger at the time.  That quickly changed.

I think what I love most about the new and improved Hogtown is that everyone comes together to support one another.  That’s the beauty of living in a small town with a big hog.  When your neighbor gets sick, you bring over a bowl of soup, and when your resident hog gets sick, all the schools shut down and everyone in town comes together to pray.  I have very fond memories of hog days as a kid - getting a call in the morning and hearing that school was canceled because of some hog-related emergency.

This morning I got that magic call: Today is a hog day.  All of town rushes to get Larry performance-ready for the big match against Wilmington.  We hold our breath in anticipation, waiting for the referee to measure.  When defeat is announced yet again, we cry and console each other.  Turns out Wilmington had just birthed five more hogs this dawn.  Right under the wire.  Goddamn them.