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Artwork: AKG '25
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Morning Announcements

Author: SEH '26
As seen in: Suburbia #

Good morning Vietnam! No, it's not Robin Williams. I know everyone gets excited every time I do that because they think zombies are real. Don’t worry though, because I’m just as good. It’s me again, Andrew Stevens, reminding you all that I get to do the announcements for the next month because the principal hit me with his car. You losers wish you had two punctured lungs.

Okay now everyone rise and repeat after me: I pledge allegiance to Andrew, who has immunity from disciplinary action, and to the power trip that he is currently on, one student body, under him, indivisible with dopeness for all but especially me. And I better not hear about any of you assholes kneeling again. I’ll be a vet in 3 years. The animal kind, but still. 

Lunch today will be scattered fistfulls of ground beef for you and 3 cornucopias of delectable sweet treats for me. I would offer you guys some but I like watching your faces as I throw each piece real high up and see if I can catch it in my mouth. This part is honestly more for me than for you. 

In other news, prom is coming up, which brings me to the most important part of the announcements! Stacy, will you be the queen to my king? Oh fuck. Oh fuck! I forgot I can’t hear you. I assume you said yes so I’ll see you at 2:00 pm sharp. We have to leave a little early because I don’t have a car so it’ll probably take a little longer on my tandem bicycle. It’s actually usually super fast but got a bit mangled when Principal Asshole knocked me off of it. Don’t worry, I already know where your house is.

Now, to end the announcements as I do every day. Holding my breath as long as I can to remind the principal what he did to me and my lungs. Mfhpph….hmsh…urghmhp…hell yeah. 7 seconds. That’s a new record. Anyway, I have to get back to the parking lot. I’m trying to extend my streak with a few more broken bones. Goodfirst-period Vietnam!