Artwork: AKG '25

Pool Rules

Author: SEH '26
As seen in: Suburbia #

  1. Children under the age of 14 may not use the pool without a parent or guardian present, unless they are named Robert because we can’t stop him. 
  2. No more than 7 normal sized people or 1 Robert sized child in the jacuzzi. 
  3. No running. Physicists believe accelerated speeds near Robert may cause orbit. 
  4. If a lifeguard brings out the fishing net, Robert is drowning. Clear the pool. 
  5. The sound of a forklift means Robert has beached. Make way. 
  6. Should Robert choose to breaststroke, watch in awe. He’s weirdly good at breaststroke. 
  7. No turquoise bathing suits. Turquoise is Robert’s color. 
  8. If it begins to thunder, exit the pool and stand in the shade of Robert’s mass. He is benevolent when treated with respect.
  9. Do not swim near Robert when he’s playing hungry hungry hippo. 
  10. Shower before entering the pool. Be aware that the pool is Robert’s shower.