Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury,
I will prove to you throughout the Justice is Served # that my client is innocent beyond a shadow of a doubt. On second thought, that is too high of a bar: I will make the case that my client is not guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt. Nope. Still too high: I will leave you with a large number of questions about this case, my client, and my own affinity for justice.
Now, the first thing you may be wondering is “Am I (OMA) a hero?”. I am not. You may next find yourself wondering, “Can I (OMA) answer a millennia-old question of the nature of justice in a fifty-page, student-run college humor magazine whose contents are largely ads for alcohol companies?” I can, but I won’t. I’ll save that for the Christmas #.
What I will do is present to you the evidence in support of my client, The Harvard Lampoon. Like any good legal case, there will be drama, intrigue, romance, and gavels. I cannot promise anything more. In the Justice is Served #, I will submit to you legal briefs, evi- dence in support of the crime (yes, qualms with the laws themselves), evidence in support of the fact that my client probably didn’t commit the crime of which they are accused, and important testimonials from key witnesses to the case.
The evidence presented is not meant to show you with certainty what is right or wrong. Only fairy tales involving talking animals can do that. But if my recollection serves me correctly, I will be the hare that pulls this tortoise of a jury to the finish line of the race to
justice. I will show you that my client is a good and loving person, a family person if you will. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have families, yes? I would hope so. If not, I urge you all to go out for drinks or appetizers together afterwards.
The following pages are an outline of the case at hand. In the first section, I will outline what I hope that you as jurors will bring to this case. That’s correct, jurors, I do not want you to be passive during this trial. My co-counsel, DL, has curated a selection of hilarious pictures of scantily-clad lawyers to keep you just interested enough to keep going through this case. If you need to use the bathroom, I hope you will do so now. Recess is not for several hours, and we have to get through this trial before the next presidential election.
In the second section of our argument, I will give you a basic understanding of the many actors in this case, not to be confused with that show where the jury was composed of many actors. (Yes, I did watch and enjoy The People v. OJ Simpson.) In preparing our argu- ments, I would like to commend our first and second-year associates, whose work highlights this second section. They have bright futures ahead of themselves as grizzled, jaded lawyers like me.
The third section of our argument will be one where we describe crooked cops who will chase justice and cheap thrills in an order that is likely to surprise you. This is our most profound section. We will then move to addressing and poking holes in the motives that the prosecution has pinned to my client. Our first-year associates helped here as well. Now that I think about it, the partners really don’t do much around here.
The bones, blood, cartilage, nerves, and skin of our argument will come in our trial defense. In the interactions between the people in this courtroom, you will see no pathway other than the one where my client is innocent. If not, this could really be a long time. Members of the jury, I am aware that there is a lot of press surrounding this case. The nearly 100 followers I have accumulated on Twitter are clinging onto my account, waiting for all the updates of this trial and my Threads username. Nevertheless, I ask that you block out the media and anyone associated with it during this trial. The defense will claim employees of a major cable news network to be “defense witnesses” with “reliable accounts of the crime” from their “working relationship” with the defendant. They seem more like friends to me, and if that’s the case, then this whole thing is a mistrial or whatever that means.
Hey jury, whatever happens out there, I’m proud of you. You made it this far. You can make it a little longer. Besides, I gotta be at cross country practice at 3:15, so we’ll have to have most of this figured out by then.