Artwork: IKI '26

History Class

Author: AHG '25
As seen in: Justice Is Served #

Teacher: …and that is why so many of us are related to Genghis Khan.

Jimmy: Related? To a warlord?

Teacher: A small percentage of us are distantly related—

Jimmy: So my family? The raping? The pillaging? That was their fault?

Teacher: No, this was a long time ago.

Jimmy: How many did my family kill?

Teacher: A lot of people died, Jimmy. 


Stacey: I had such a great time at prom, Jimmy!

(Stacey leans in for a kiss.)

Jimmy: No, don’t! There is something I haven’t told you.

Stacey: What is it?

Jimmy: My family is responsible for displacing millions of 12th-century tribesmen.

Stacey: Really?! My family was responsible for the Ukrainian Famine of 1932! I lo—

Jimmy: Stop. Don’t even say it. I loathe myself too. 


(Jimmy drops the football and sits down at midfield.)

Coach: Pick up the ball and score, goddamnit!

Jimmy: Look what I’ve become. 

(Opposing team picks up the ball and starts running.) 

Coach: Tackle him! Tackle him!

Jimmy: All this aggression. And for what?

Coach: Jimmy, on the bench, now!

Jimmy: I’m sorry, coach. Even though my ancestors pushed the forefront of modern torture technology, I’m ashamed it came at the cost of your family.


Principal: Young man in the traditional Mongolian headgear. As Student-Body President, how will you make this school a better place?

Jimmy: Сайн байна Баяртай намхан байх болно. [I vow to reduce all forms of ethnic cleansing in the girls’ locker room.]