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My Creation Myth #

What inspired me to make this magazine? I wouldn’t know, I didn’t make this magazine. It made me.

Break of Day #

Good morning, or доброго ранку, as they would say in the old country. You know waking up, the morning, used to mean something. My Ukrainian ancestors would get up every single day, 5 am, to herd cows…

Dead of Night #

Hello reader! J. Leland Penis here, executor of GJA’s estate and writer of such Harvard Lampoon classics as “Something’s Rumbling in Dixie,” and “Can You Spot the Wop?&r…

Grass is Greener #

At the time of writing this, I have been diagnosed with the cancer of the tongue. About a month ago I noticed a stiff green slime growing on the left side of my tongue, and unrelatedly this morning I…

Flesh & Blood #

Okay, reader. I know what you’re thinking. An issue about the human body? What is this, “ESPN The Mag: The Body Issue, 2016”? I’m afraid it isn’t, though that is a perfe…

Manic Pursuit #

Happy reading—-or should I say happy laughing! Unfortunately I am dictating this at gunpoint and am not allowed to make any changes.

The Celebration #

What up, shawwwdy—ahem—shorty? I couldn’t help notice you were checking out my cover. Yeah, there’s a pig on top of a staircase wearing a party hat, pretty sick, whatever. My …