Artwork: ghost

Times That an Extinction-Level Nuclear War Would Really Suck

Author: SAB '24
As seen in: Mutually Assured Destruction #

- One day before technology that makes everyone live forever is invented

- One hour before all the nuclear powers sign a treaty renouncing their nuclear weapons

- Right before you set the record straight once and for all

- Right after you set the record straight once and for all

- Before you find out that all girls don’t have cooties

- While an astronaut is still stranded on Mars

- Right after you say, “What could possibly go wrong?”

- April Fool’s Day

- Right after conquering your greatest fear

- After alluding to a surprise gift by telling someone, “You have no idea what’s coming for you.”

- Just before you call your parents without context to tell them you love them

- 9/11/2002

- After renouncing your Calvinist belief in predetermination

- Right after you get invited to the cool kids’ table

- Right after you nervously laugh and say, “Man, I sure hope those aren’t my last words!”

- When a TV show leaves you on a cliffhanger

- When you totally clicked the “conventional strike” button

- Before you win the lottery that you rigged

- After the first strike failed and you were all kind of relieved by that

- While there is already another extinction-level nuclear war in progress

- After your child wrote to Santa asking for a nuclear war for Christmas

- When your mom says to you, “I’m going to start the New Year off with a bang!”

- Black Friday, because we won’t get those deals for another year

-  Just after the generals realized they’d read the president’s nuclear strike orders upside down (he’d actually said no strike!)

- When you’re the president so everyone thinks it’s your fault

- When you’re the vice president so there’s nothing you can really do about it

- Veterans Day

- My birthday

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