Artwork: ghost

Yo Mama So Fat

Author: JFAR '19-'22
As seen in: Hey You Yeah You Quit Pulling My Leg #

-…is the best way I thought I could begin breaking this news, Timmy. I’m so sorry. She’s dead.


-Oh my God… what happened, Doc?


-She came in complaining of something, but the ER receptionist didn’t understand since he doesn’t speak whale. We tried doing some preliminary x-rays on her but we couldn’t because they don’t make satellites that big. We managed to do an MRI, but when we hung the images up they fell off the wall and through the floor. She had a terrible fever but we couldn’t get her into a cold bath since SeaWorld was closed. She then fell into a coma, and broke it. 


-Jesus, Doc, I can’t believe how much she suffer-


-Her left hand started developing some very troubling hives, so I told the nurse to walk around and check the right hand, and she’s still walking. She eventually snapped out of the coma but didn’t regain full control of her body for some time since she she has to wake up in sections. We found a swimming pool to bathe her in and added just a drop of water, but she overflowed it and took out the cancer wing. This freaked her out and she escaped towards the city, where the police and military fired at her — though it was ineffective since they don’t shoot in panoramic. I chased her in my car and she charged at me, but when I tried to swerve around her I ran out of gas. I leapt out of my car and climbed up to her head to try and tell her to stop but when I got to the top my ears popped so hard I forgot where I was. What finally did her in was when she tripped on a dent in the ground that her shadow made and she fell and bonked her head on a plant. We thought it appropriate to give her a last meal, but when we asked what her favorite food was she said “seconds”. She then gasped her last breath and accelerated global warming by 175 years. I’m sorry you’re finding out about this so late — we had trouble finding her address to notify next of kin, since both her asscheeks are in different zip codes.


-Doc… that’s horrible, Doc. But you did all you could. At least she’s in heaven now. 


-Timmy, not even God’s arms are strong enough to lift that ass. Your mother is most certainly in Hell.