At the end of the millennium people started acting weird.
January
-The “Euro” is introduced, rendering all previously owned possessions legally up for grabs.
-When it becomes clear that this is going to be the thirteenth warmest record of the century, protests are considered.
-People get all excited for the Olympics only to find out it’s not one of those years.
February
–Who Wants to be a Millionaire? debuts on ABC. It would take dozens of seasons to get through all the people who wanted to be millionaires.
–The first Super Bowl to end in a tie goes unnoticed, because a bird flew into the window.
-Al Qaeda started planning a 9/11, but the third Harry Potter book was released to rave reviews.
-Girlfriend acts like I’m a jerk for not remembering Valentine’s Day when I already remembered it the year before.
-Bill Clinton scolded for not reciprocating oral sex.
March
–DVDs start to phase out VHS tapes, and America’s Funniest Home Movies announces a six year break to reconfigure their hardware.
-They invent the thing that puts videos in your iPod.
–Star Wars: Episode I is released, straight to VHS.
-People start to think, okay, this is the last year of the millennium?
April
-The year 1999 ends early, but while everyone celebrates the Mayor comes out and says that people aren’t allowed to do that and they need to go home.
– “Drag queens” arrive in Australia, a sixteen year Civil War ensues.
-Snow Day!
May
-China invented.
-Coca-Cola acquires NFL Linebacker Lawrence Taylor in a trade, but doesn’t know what to do with him.
-The South Park Movie is released, and I hear it’s, like…really funny.
June
-The last cowboy dies (eaten by horse).
-Russia declares war on space, space does not reply.
-George Bush does strange voice on the television, people like it a lot.
July
–JFK Jr. dies in a plane crash, making people reconsider if having kids is worth the mess.
-Woodstock ‘99 happens and everyone decides, “Hey, that’s enough Woodstocks.”
-Invention of the first water park to let you take home the tubes.
August
-Ladies night canceled at the Hurricane’s Sports Bar & Grill in Reno, Nevada.
-The Dow Jones Industrial Average is explained to Warren Buffet, sparking a chain of events that would eventually leave the U.S penny virtually worthless, and the U.S Sacagawea dollar worth its weight in dollars.
September
-School starts, all the kids accidentally write “1998” as the date and in response the teachers unionize.
– “Jingle Bell Rock” played for the first time, to a lukewarm reception from listeners and critics.
-Petition to name “Crab Dip” the new U.S National Bird does not receive enough signatures.
October
-Justin Trudeau comes in second at his college Halloween costume contest. Vows to “never let this happen again.”
–Internet Explorer version 5 is released with the tagline “Go forth to meet the shadowy future without fear and with a manly heart.”
November
-People start to think, okay, maybe Jesus isn’t coming back.
-Future basketball player is born.
-Jesus is back! (and he’s fat???)
December
-Old Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge make Lee Brogden (my dad’s friend from construction school) sick.
-People give “Jingle Bell Rock” another shot, and boy does that change everything.
-Y2K kills millions of people before George Bush gets the chance to, people feel bad about this and make him President.
