Well, here goes nothing… (jumps up on table) Ahem! Mr. and Mrs. Martinez, I can’t let your daughter marry that man. She doesn’t love him the way I love her. See how she looks at him, and see how I look at her (stares at her). I’ve loved Jessica ever since we were kiddos, when she was a freshman and I was still pretending to be in law school. She accidentally signed a vow that if neither of us were married by 40, we would marry each other. Well Jessica, I’m 45. (loses balance) Can’t you see that we belong together?! Sure, I’m no Prince Charming, but let’s be honest she’s no Becky Hotsticks either. Y’know what I mean?
(dinner guests stare at Larry)
She’s like a 6 or a 7… that’s why it’s so big that I’m doing all this. If I didn’t interrupt her wedding then no one would. So whadya say, Jessica? Are ya pickin up what I’m puttin down?
Are ya pickin up what I’m puttin dowb.
What are you saying, Larry?
Youw ppickin up wubaym ppoottin deeeoyb…
Bloooaaaahhhhhh (starts to fall backwards)
Oh my go—
In an ambulance
Yes sir, you had the biggest stroke we’ve ever seen.