Artwork: KDF '19-20

The C5 Beer Pong Table Piece

Author: GPL '21-'22
As seen in: The ▵S=Sf – Si = ∫dQ/T #

So you’re in the market for a custom Beer Pong Table, preferably in the C4 through C6 range, but you don’t know where to buy it? You’re reading a paid advertisement, but you’re a busy person who really likes the idea of a custom beer pong table and you want us to get to the point? Well we have just the thing for you.

What’s the worst part of every single custom beer pong table you’ve ever purchased? Easy: you didn’t have to design it yourself. The C5 Custom Beer Pong Table fixes this problem. The C5 Custom Beer Pong Table is everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more. We take your designs, and we build them into a beer pong table that could be used for studying, hitting the books, reading up on the daily news, and in case of emergency: to play Beer Pong. 

The tables are handcrafted by the legions of frat lords we have working in our Chicago sweatshops for maximum wage ($200,000 an hour, very reasonable). The paddles are carved from old pirate swords we stole from the Natural History Museum. The balls are from Home Depot. Each table is cut using domestically grown poplar wood and carefully assembled using sugar glue, which is a kind of candy glue Mikey crafted himself by combining regular glue with Fun Dip. It dissolves instantly in water. Mikey is the son of our CEO, and he makes many of the creative decisions instrumental to making the C5 Custom Beer Pong Tables unique. Mikey is seven, but he insists he’s “this many.” 

Once the C5 Custom Beer Pong Table is built, it is refined and customized to each customer’s exact specifications. For instance, if you were Steve Aoki and you wanted to make a giant chrome beer pong table with your name on it, we could do that. We actually did that, and now we’re best friends with Steve Aoki. His phone number is 372-272-4372. Please don’t tell him we gave it to you.

Oh, you don’t believe us because we’re the people who make and use custom beer pong tables and have an instinctual bias when trying to sell them to you? We don’t have time to address your trust issues, so listen to the reviews of our satisfied customers:

Jake Bartley, 16 – “Yeah, I bought the table as a prank on my parents after I took a credit card from my mom’s wallet, called the guys at C5 Custom Beer Pong Tables, gave them my direct specifications for a red and black Beer Pong table with racing stripes, entered my mom’s credit card information, waited a reasonable amount of time, then received the custom beer pong table in the mail, but it turned out to be really cool and my parents and I are on better terms now.  

Corey Fruge, 65 –  “I used to just be the old guy in the neighborhood. The guy who ‘lived in his ex-wife’s front lawn for fifteen years, not including summers.’ Ever since I customized a C5 beer pong table, I’m the talk of the town. All the kids come to see if they can outdrink and outshoot Old Man Mister Fruge. Turns out… they can. I’m actually really bad at beer pong on account of me being so old and it being a game for young people.” 

Todd Widdle, 25 – “User review? It’s a beer pong table. I use it for beer pong. It is no better or worse than any of the other beer pong tables I’ve had. Well I guess the custom design is pretty dope… the ball and cup holder is also pretty nice…the price ain’t bad neither…”

Ivan Pierre, 25 – “When I was growing up in war-torn Milwaukee, Beer Pong was a game for the social elites and the monetarily privileged. It wasn’t something us common folk played. Now, with the Custom C5 Beer Pong Table at my disposal, I’m able to safely watch my rich friends play beer pong on a table designed to their exact specifications while I serve them drinks for a minimum wage salary.”

One Take Mike, 27 – “If C4 is the bomb, then C5 is the pong. Fuuuuck… Wait let me start over, that didn’t make sense. No seriously. Do not put that C4 bomb quote in the ad. Say instead that I said something cool like “C5 Custom Beer Pong tables have helped me rekindle my relationship with my estranged alcoholic mother”. I don’t know, some shit like that. Can we start over?”

I. C. Weiner, 23 – “You’re gonna put my name in the ad right?”

Darnell Croswell, 32 –  “The Custom Beer Pong Table by C5 changes where, how, and why I play beer pong. It used to be I’d just start up a game when I was waiting for my toaster strudel to heat up. Ya know, the ‘ol 7-8am beer pong shift in the Croswell household. Now that I’ve got a custom table that heats up my strudel for me, I just play beer pong on special occasions. That’s right: weddings and funerals, baby. Nothing else. 

Former Convicted Arsonist, 45 – “I like fire for one reason. It’s bright and reminds me of cigarettes. I like beer pong because it helps me forget my desire to burn things. I got my new C5 custom beer pong table with a flame decal on it, so that now I can do two of my favorite things at once. The bright LED lights on the table even make it look like the tables ablaze. I would trade all of the Keystone in the world for a lighter right now. But if I’m stuck with this sick custom beer pong table, I guess that’s okay too. 

Jackson 5, 24 – “When Sigma Chi got all that money from our annual charity car wash, we knew exactly what to do with it: buy a new beer pong table. Our old one was broken from all the amateur wrestling we did on it, so we called up the guys at C5 and asked for a table that we could wrestle on, play beer pong on, and more importantly: one with a hidden compartment to store our cups and balls. The Sigma Chi bros are notorious for losing our cups and balls. Little did we know they would also customize it to be exactly the color and shape of the Sigma Chi house, which is coincidentally shaped like a pretty sick beer pong table. 

Mikey, 7 – “This many!”

The C5 Custom Beer Pong Table: get yours today! Or tomorrow. There’s really no pressure on you to rush your purchase. Take your time, please. We’re always around.