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Funding Needed for Life-Saving Surgery

Author: EB '24
As seen in: Mutually Assured Destruction #

(二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二二)
$0 raised out of $50000

Please donate to my life-saving surgery. I cannot use my hands the way I need to use them and am suffering so much. Doctors and insurance companies have been fighting me on whether or not I need this surgery, and, because I can’t use my hands the way I want to, I can’t fight back. 
 
F.A.Q
What is the surgery you need?
The surgery I need is to replace my hands with guns.
Why do you need guns for hands?
Listen, I already chopped off my left hand and I’m about to get my buddy to do the right one for me so I really just need the guns at this point, and the gangrene is setting in so I need them fast. I can’t take it anymore--I was born with these fucked up hands that function normally physically, but I’m so alienated from them because normal’s just not enough for me. I know I’m not maximizing my potential without these guns. Just imagine what I could be, for a second just imagine me, cruising through South Central LA, guns for hands, hands blazing. All the money in that In-N-Out cash register would be in my pockets in two minutes flat and all my bullets would be embedded in LAPD kevlar in five. “Hands up! Put down your weapon!” They’d tell me. “No can do.” I’d say and it would become my witty catchphrase. They’d try to handcuff me, but my guns are slimmer than the handcuffs and I’d been shooting them in the feet since they started arresting me so they’re not even close to successful. 
I’d start running away, arms outstretched behind me and just firing bullets the whole way to propel me forward, but doubting my decision for a moment when I’m running and running and realize I have no one to run to. Because no one wants to hold hands with a gun, or place a wedding ring on the barrel of a .45 pistol. CPS would never let me anywhere near my infant son. I guess I’d lead a pretty lonely life. Having a kind of hands that a lot of people won’t understand will do that to you. But, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
How is this surgery life-saving?
I will kill myself if I do not get guns for hands.