Teacher: …and that is why so many of us are related to Genghis Khan.
Jimmy: Related? To a warlord?
Teacher: A small percentage of us are distantly related—
Jimmy: So my family? The raping? The pillaging? That was their fault?
Teacher: No, this was a long time ago.
Jimmy: How many did my family kill?
Teacher: A lot of people died, Jimmy.
Stacey: I had such a great time at prom, Jimmy!
(Stacey leans in for a kiss.)
Jimmy: No, don’t! There is something I haven’t told you.
Stacey: What is it?
Jimmy: My family is responsible for displacing millions of 12th-century tribesmen.
Stacey: Really?! My family was responsible for the Ukrainian Famine of 1932! I lo—
Jimmy: Stop. Don’t even say it. I loathe myself too.
(Jimmy drops the football and sits down at midfield.)
Coach: Pick up the ball and score, goddamnit!
Jimmy: Look what I’ve become.
(Opposing team picks up the ball and starts running.)
Coach: Tackle him! Tackle him!
Jimmy: All this aggression. And for what?
Coach: Jimmy, on the bench, now!
Jimmy: I’m sorry, coach. Even though my ancestors pushed the forefront of modern torture technology, I’m ashamed it came at the cost of your family.
Principal: Young man in the traditional Mongolian headgear. As Student-Body President, how will you make this school a better place?
Jimmy: Сайн байна Баяртай намхан байх болно. [I vow to reduce all forms of ethnic cleansing in the girls’ locker room.]
