Artwork: ghost

The Talk Throughout History

Author: MAV '23-'24
As seen in: Me and My Lovers #

Eve: I think that’s the wrong hole.
Adam: Again?? I really wish we had parents to sit us down and explain step by step exactly how we’re supposed to “be fruitful and multiply.”
Eve: Let’s keep trying.
(Sex ensues)
Eve: (Moaning) Oh my God!
(God Appears)
God: Leave Eden forever.

Henry VIII: Elizabeth, my daughter, what do you know about sex?
Elizabeth: Is it something you give to foreigners to protect commercial interests in Spain? Henry VIII: No, dear. That’s just your sister. But for a woman especially, once you have sex- Elizabeth: We get our heads chopped off like Mom!
Henry VIII: Well… that was a very specific case.
Elizabeth: Can we at least get choked a little?

Father: Karl. The Duke does not appreciate how you keep catcalling his wife.
Karl Marx: But is it not us workers who mend her garments, who mix her perfumes and craft her wigs!? Why do the fruits of our labor never cycle back to us?
Father: Son. The Duchess belongs with her husband, not you.
Karl Marx: But what if she belonged to all of us????

Hugh Hefner: Father, I’m very glad you sat me down for this talk. There’s just so much I have to teach you.