Artwork: AMC '23

Chained To A Tree

Author: EAT '24
As seen in: We Like To Have Fun #

When they were all like “We need someone to chain themselves to this tree!” I was all like, hyped. So hyped. Everyone was screaming and yelling at these dudes in trucks, and I just got caught up in the action and yeah, I was maybe a little high, I thought the chains were a cool snake. Now let me tell you, when you come down and you’re shirtless and attached to a tree in the middle of the day and everyone is chanting your name — that shit is for the fucking boys. 

I’m a beast at doing “the worm” so I wiggled my way down and just kept wiggling on over to the trucks. And everyone was still yelling at them so I started yelling my favorite chant “Down fucking shots!” but they’re all like “Shut down fracking!” and I know they’re trying their best, but they’re still wrong. I want to demonstrate but I don’t see anything to do shots with — all I see is this gallon of beer and so I start chugging.

Best tasting beer I’ve ever had — and believe me, I’m no stranger to downing brews with the fellas — but this just slid down super easy. Everyone went silent because I told them I was gonna do shots and here I am chugging, but then they cheered even louder than before calling me a “protest artist” and bringing me more “gasoline”, which I happily slammed. They must’ve known my track record with the ladies, since I knew they meant “pickup artist” and yeah, my performance today has been pretty gas. 

Then the mayor came out — and damn she was so hot. Bros before hos — but maybe I could compromise — so I stand and say: Ma’m, are you compost? Because I’d plant in your dirt any day. And when she threw on Lil Baby and started passing out Truly’s? Best party ever.