Artwork: AMC '23

Strange Position

Author: SAB '24
As seen in: What Have We Done #

Alright Officer, so there I am walking down Main Street with my groceries when I see this guy laying down real strange. But then I take a step back and realize that he’s laying down normally and it’s really the stop sign impaling his abdomen that’s in the strange position. This is probably why they tell construction workers to always wear their safety helmets.

So I assure him it’s all gonna be okay because everything happens for a reason. Then I picked up one end of the pole and started dragging him to the hospital a few miles away, and I’m running at top speed, which if you think about it, says a lot about how strong I am. We passed my favorite falafel stand on the way, and you’ve eaten at 2nd Street Falafel before, right? Amazing food y’know, but this time, I told myself, “No, not right now, Nathaniel. Focus. Focus!”

At this point I’m plowing through pedestrians on the sidewalk with this stop sign and its human on my bare back like a bindle, and yeah Officer, the man was probably taking the brunt of the businesspeople and their hot coffees, but it’s not like he was conscious anyways. 

We were crossing streets real quick because we were a walking stop sign, but then 10 minutes in this dude’s body just slides right off the sign. I still had to get him to the hospital though, so I stuck that sign right back into him and we took off.

When I finally get there, the nurses at the desk start losing it. Like guys, c’mon, there’s a stop sign at every intersection, this was bound to happen at some point. Turned out they were mad that I didn’t call 911, because 911 usually sends all the emergencies to the other hospital.

The doctors take a look at him, and I’m telling them they should probably just give up, but they decide to try saving this lost cause anyways. And by God, after a few hours of tinkering, they somehow did it. Wow, to think all of this happened to me, ol’ Nathaniel, on the way back from a usual grocery trip for some fruits and pills. So what was the question again, Officer?

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