Randy: (puts down bags) Ah, it’s good to be back.
Jessica: Honey, turn on the lights, it’s dark.
Randy: I’m trying — I paid some guys to set up a smart home, whatever that means.
Jessica: Smart home?
Home: (breathes)
Jessica: Oh god.
Randy: …I think I’ve done a terrible thing.
Jessica: What do we even —
Home: Do?
Randy: Ohhhh geez.
Jessica: Randy, I’m kinda freaking out right —
Home: Do?
Jessica: …
Randy: Alright, Jessica, I’m gonna call the —
Home: Do?
Jessica: Randy, all your house does is breathe and sorta finish sentences. I think it might be stupid.
Home: I guess that’s what’s wrong with this country, right? All people do is talk — talk about this, talk about that. But do you ever think that maybe we should listen? Is that so crazy?
Randy: …
Home: (breathes)
Jessica: I think we have to kill it somehow.
Home: (in Randy’s voice) No, I kinda like it. I think we should keep the home around.
Randy: Ok, Jessica, I didn’t say that.
Home: (in Jessica’s voice) Shut up, Randy.
Home: (in Randy’s voice) My bad, guys.
Jessica: That’s actually a pretty good impression haha.
Home: I know, right?
Jessica: Yeah.
Randy: Jessica, please stop talking to the house.
Home: Okay, random…
Jessica: (snickers)
Randy: Jessica, don’t laugh at its jokes!
Home: (high-pitched) Jessica, don’t laugh at its jokes!
Jessica: Oh my god, that’s him! That was Randy!
Randy: Yeah, Jessica, it literally repeated what I said.
Jessica: (to home, low-voiced) That was really good, actually.
Home: (puts out hand) It was nothing.
Jessica: No, seriously! It was really good, I mean it.
Randy: He’s not even that good! I could literally do better than that.
Home: Do a better impression of yourself? (to Jessica) I mean, does he even hear what he’s saying?
Randy: Yes, I can hear what I’m saying, geez.
Kid: Yeah, Dad, but only cuz your ears are so freakin’ big!
Home: Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Randy: How long have you been here, Wesley?
Jessica: (trying not to laugh) Wesley, get back in the car.
Home: Yo, Wesley, pound me! (fist pounds Wesley)
Kid: I wish you were my dad, Mr. House.
Randy: No you don’t, no you don’t. Then you’d be half house. Is that really what you want? To be part human and part house?
Jessica: Randy!
Home: I’m gonna need you to chill out, dog.
Kid: Way outta line, dad.
Randy: Alright, alright, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.
Home: Hey, you’re good, we all say things we don’t mean — everybody wants to talk about this, talk about that. But do you ever think that maybe we should listen? Is that so crazy?
Kid: You’re so right, man.
Jessica: (tearing up) That was beautiful.
Randy: He already said that! He said that earlier!
Home: Chill out man. (to Jessica) Is he always like this? (laughs)
Jessica: Oh my god, stop! You’re being so bad.
Home: You ain’t mad at it though.
Jessica: (blushes)
Randy: Well I don’t like that.
Jessica: You don’t like anything, Randy.
Randy: Jessica, you literally wanted to kill the house like two minutes ago!
Jessica: Well, not anymore.
Home: Shooooot, girl.
Randy: Alright, I’m leaving. This is stupid.
Jessica: Well leave then!
Randy: Fine! Maybe I will! (walks out…turns around) You know what? I gave up everything for this family. I lost my job, became a stay at home dad, because that was apparently the only thing I was good for, the only job that couldn’t be replaced by anything. And now you’re telling me — whatever. I tried my best, I’m sorry. (leaves)
Jessica: Lol he really just left like that.
Kid: Hey, Mr House, maybe we can play some —
Home: Do?
Jessica: No, no no no no —
Home: (breathes)
Jessica: Randy, randy wait! Come back!
Home: Talk about this, talk about that — do you ever think that maybe we should listen? Is that so crazy?
Jessica: I think I’ve done something terrible.
Home: I think I love you!!!!
Kid: This guy rocks.
