Artwork: ghost


Author: MAS '18
As seen in: Grass is Greener #

Want to stop mowing your lawn like a quivering pussy? Then shut the fuck up and buy the GRASS-
FUCKER 5000. Now, instead of bending over, opening your ass, and letting the grass make you its bitch, you can cut it like a real man should. Oh, and one more thing. Fuck you.

Heard enough? Too fucking bad. The GRASSFUCKER 5000 uses whips, maces, and all kinds of sick shit to send that grass back to wherever the fuck it thought to come from. It only took the GRASSFUCKER team 4,999 tries to make a lawnmower that wouldn’t kill the user right fucking away. The patent office took one look at our fucking blueprints and choked on their own balls. They’re dead now. So if you’re looking for some kind of lame-ass government approval, go get a lawnmower from Tampons “R” Us.

Looking to buy? Our phone number is 1-800-GO-FUCK-YOURSELF and our website is grassfucker.com/you/have/never/made/a/woman/climax. If you’re the kind of swinging dick guy who’s giving it to his wife eight times a night and fifteen times on holidays, you’ll know where to find us. If not, well, Home Depot sells the perfect tools to kill yourself with.

Happy mowing, you leach-covered blob of fat and disappointment.