Artwork: AMC '23

Ways to Get Away with Yelling Fire in a Crowded Theater

Author: JGB '25
As seen in: We Like To Have Fun #

- Wait for the movie to have a scene with explosions, then point and yell fire 

- Rent out an empty theater, sit there alone and scream fire as much as you dang please

- Set the movie screen on fire, so they can arrest you for arson but not for wrongfully inciting panic

- Create a massive P.R. campaign to make the 1996 movie “Fire” a newfound cultural phenomenon, attend the film at your local theater, then freely say the film’s title throughout the movie’s runtime

- Pretend you’re sleepwalking, so you’re not at fault for anything you say

- Carefully train yourself to have a sleepwalking disorder through years of medical experimentation, so you don’t even have to fake the sleeptalking thing

- Say fire in the cool hip way all the kids be doing these days

- Hire somebody with the last name “Fire” to attend the movie with you, then refer to them by their last name all buddy buddy-like.

- Hire someone to hold you at gunpoint, and only release you on the condition you chant “Fire! This has nothing to do with the gunman, there actually is a fire!” for thirty minutes.

- Keep saying how your “corazón está en fuego” and test the limits of judicial textualism

- Organize a poetry slam and schedule it at your local AMC, and replace every fourth word with “Fire-There-Is-Fire-Run”

- Establish yourself as the “theater prankster” by pantsing people on the way in, so they know you’re just goofing when you shout fire later

- Use text-to-speech so technically you aren’t the one yelling fire