I strut into the hideout, the most beautiful girl Osama bin Laden has ever seen.
Osama bin Laden: I will torture and then brutally murder in the most inhumane way possible any man who dares to lay his eyes on you.
Every man in a fifty foot radius averts his eyes, afraid. Every woman in a fifty foot radius inches slightly closer, jealous. There are no nonbinary people in a fifty foot radius, a consequence of al-Qaeda’s transphobia.
Me: I’m actually diametrically opposed to the whole idea of violence. It’s really unattractive, to me in particular.
Osama bin Laden excuses himself and grabs a telephone from the wall.
Osama bin Laden: (over phone) I’m calling it off. Yes I know the bombs have already been deployed. I don’t care, just stop them.
Osama bin Laden covers his hand over the receiver of the phone.
Osama bin Laden: (to me) Yeah, I’m the same way. Huge fan of peace here.