Artwork: ghost

Mr. 305

Author: FOD '24
As seen in: Best Served Cold #

Ever had somebody tell you that you looked like a celebrity? For some it’s a blessing, but for me  it’s a curse – I look exactly like the rapper Pitbull. 

Passerby: Say your famous line!  
Me: No.  
Passerby: Please?!  
Me: (Sigh) It’s Pitbull time.  
Passerby: Woo Pitbull! You rock!  

Concerned Mother: Get that pitbull away from my child!  
Me: No, no, not that kind of Pitbull. The rapper, Mr. 305, vamos de fiesta! 
Child: I hate your music.  
Me: Honestly, me too, I’m actually not the re- 
Concerned Mother: Somebody! Call the police! There’s some kind of Mexican man talking to  my children.  

Pitbull Impersonator: What the fuck are you doing on my turf?  
Me: What’s wrong, can’t a guy go for a walk in Downtown Miami?  
Pitbull Impersonator: Not looking like that, you’re gonna run me out of business.  
Me: You don’t even look like Pitbull.  
Pitbull Impersonator 2: Is this guy giving you trouble?  
Pitbull Impersonator: He thinks he can reach the top of the Pitbull-impersonation game by  looks alone.  
Pitbull Impersonator 2: Not any more he won’t. You’re about to find out what makes a real  Pitbull impersonator, the hard way.  
(They beat me up, in character) 

Me: Can I just have some Halloween candy please, it’s been a rough night.  Parent: Who are you supposed to be? Pitbull in a sheet?  
Me: A ghost. I’m a sad ghost.  

Pitbull: ¡Dale! You look just like me!  
Me: Yeah, it’s pretty weird.  
Pitbull: Not weird, loco! I need to write a multi-platinum latin dance hit loosely inspired by this.  Me: Listen, after all I’ve been through for looking like you, could I maybe get an autograph? Oh, I know, let’s take a photo together, like there are two Pitbulls – that would be hilarious!  Pitbull: I don’t get the joke. I’m the one and only Pitbull.  
Me: No, no, that’s why it’s a jo- 
Pitbull: I cannot be replaced. There’s only one of each person. That’s DNA.  
Me: I know tha- 
Pitbull: Listen, you need to be your own man. That’s my advice. Now please leave my home.