Chief of Staff: Mr. President, he’s here. The solution to all of our problems.
President: This is the man that’s gonna turn everything around?
Chief of Staff: He’s the wackiest guy there is. If anyone can win back the hearts of an American public left disillusioned by our failures, it’s him.
Mr. Helper: Hello? Am I a banana? Do I live in a banana world?
President: God damn.
Chief of Staff: I told you he’s good.
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Reporter: What is the White House’s planned response to the growing economic crisis?
Chief of Staff: I think you’ll find this little guy here can explain things much better than me.
Mr. Helper: Does anyone want a lollipop? Cause I sure do.
Reporter: We’d rather hear what the President has to say on this issue.
President: He speaks for me.
Reporter: Mr. Helper, what are the President’s priorities on this issue?
Mr. Helper: The President’s priorities will involve cutting social security and slashing corporate tax, the budget’s been at a deficit for too long.
Chief of Staff: Wait, that’s the exact opposite of what we discus-
President: Hank, hold on. I wanna see where he goes with this.
Mr. Helper: Okay, time for my nap.
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First Lady: Jim, I just don’t think Mr. Helper should be allowed to make family decisions. President: Please, Cathy, just give the guy a chance. The kids and I really like him.
First Lady: Well I don’t. I think he’s trying to replace me. He’s not even funny — he’s just doing a lot of low-brow prop material.
Mr. Helper: Bad Cathy. (Smacks First Lady with his big foam mallet) Your insecurity is scaring the kids. I think you need to take a break from seeing them.
President: I agree. Cathy, how about you go to Grandma’s for the weekend?
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General: Mr. President, this is serious. Iraq’s aggression demands a response.
President: I’m not so sure about it, is force the only option?
General: Sir, these are dire times.
President: What do you think, Mr. Helper?
Mr. Helper: Mr. President, American power in the Middle East has been under pressure for quite some time – we need to respond with force.
President: If you say so. Should we at least do it in a fun way?
Mr Helper: Sir, there is nothing wacky about keeping America safe.
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President: It’s been a hard-fought re-election campaign, and I’m disappointed to admit it, but we’ve lost. A princess birthday-themed campaign may not have been the best choice, despite the considerable savings on fundraiser dinner decorations, but my strategists believed in it, and by God, I believe in them. Please, everyone, help yourselves to some rainbow unicorn cake. We’ve got a lot of it.
