Artwork: ghost

World’s Luckiest & Most Depressed Person

Author: JRD '22-'23
As seen in: The Mental Health Issue #

Pam Jensen woke up just like she did every other day – at the exact moment that she could see a double rainbow outside her window. “Wow,” thought Pam, “my life is as useless as that second rainbow.” Pam walked by her dog doing a backflip, and kicked herself for not filming it. 

Pam headed to the grocery store, where she dropped her wallet at the cash register and a quarter fell out, scratching off a lotto ticket that was on the floor. “Wow!” said the cashier, “you just won half a million dollars!” “No,” replied Pam, “I just didn’t win the other half million dollars.”

At her therapist’s office, the receptionist told Pam that she was the 1000th customer. That meant she would get a free session! “I’m going to kill myself today,” replied Pam. The receptionist was then fatally struck by a drunk driver who crashed into the building, barely missing Pam. 

Pam walked outside, where a bus of male models just broke down. “We all want to have consensual sex with you!” said one of the models. “Aww man,” said Pam, “it will be such a hassle to get everyone tested for STDs.” After hours of testing, Pam had sex with the models but felt nothing because her ex-boyfriend was much hotter than any of them. 

During a Yankee game, the shortstop got hurt. Out of backup players, the team held a raffle for a fan to replace him, and Pam’s seat won! Pam hit a walk-off home run, but couldn’t bear the guilt of robbing hardworking female athletes of the chance to be the first woman in an MLB game.

Pam headed home, where her house was the only one on the block to have not been targeted by a recent arson attack. “Now everyone will think I did it!” thought Pam. Pam pulled her car into the driveway, when she accidentally ran over the arsonist, allowing the police to arrest him. Pam was crowned a hero and given a key to the city. “Hell yeah!” thought Pam, “A gold key? Awesome!”