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Artwork: AMC '23
23

Johnny Adventure, Space Cashier

Author: JRD '22-'23
As seen in: We Like To Have Fun #

It’s the future, but not so far in the future that cashiers are obsolete. We open on our protagonist Johnny, last name Adventure for obvious reasons – that’s his family name (but between you and me he’s been on an adventure or two). Johnny is cruising through space when he quantum leaps into hyper-drive to reach star system seven or whatever.

Suddenly, his space-phone space-rings, which is to say that he got an email. “Computer, read message,” Johnny said. Johnny loved to talk to himself, and he gave himself the nickname “Computer” since he’d used one of those before. “Oh glitzmorbz, it’s from Mr. Staryxxxx!” exclaimed Johnny. Mr. Staryxxxx is Johnny’s boss, an alien of the shmordarz species. “Computer, space-call Mr. Staryxxxx on the space-hologram,” commanded Johnny, which is to say that he intended to use futuristic hologram technology to speak to Mr. Staryxxxx.

“Hello?” said Mr. Staryxxxx.

“Gee sharkaz!” said Johnny. “Mr. Staryxxxx, how do you horyoon? How’s the crysszzzash and your plorpeez?” 

“Johnny, let’s cut the fucking bullshit,” said Mr. Staryxxxx. “You are very very bad at being a cashier. You’re fired.” 

“But Mr. Staryxxxx, I’m on my way to work right now –”

“Johnny I’m not even listening because we shmordarz have notoriously short attention spans. Okay goodbye now.” 

Looks like our space-hero is in quite the space-pickle! He needs to get this job back, or he wasted those twelve years in space cashier school. As Johnny racks his space-brain for space-ideas, his worst space-nightmare approaches his space-car – a band of wacky space cowboys!

“Howdy hoodee hidey,” said the lead cowboy. “It is us, the wacky space cowboys. Give us your space-cattle or we will probe you with our tentacles, which will make you feel very uncomfortable.” Did I mention that space cowboys have tentacles? Well, they do.

“I don’t have any space-cattle,” said Johnny.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” 

“…”

“…”

“Well we also need change for this twenty glitzmarg bill.”

In this moment, Johnny’s instincts as a space cashier kicked in. “I can give you three kashooks and one kasheek.”

“Make it four kashooks, one stumporf and two garbonys.”

“The best I can do is a klitzarg, three dormpfs and a droodl.”

“Why don’t you just give me two ten dollar bills?”

“Yeah that works too.”

The space cowboys left and Johnny ate lunch in his car by himself. The end.