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Artwork: AMC '23
16

Package Delivery FAQ

Author: JGB '25
As seen in: What Have We Done #

Q: I had issues receiving the correct product. What should I do?

A: Name which of the following scenarios occurred

1. Product did not arrive on time

2. Instead of the correct product, I received jars and jars of olive oil.

 

Q: How can I get my original package?

A: Sit tight and we’ll happily provide a full refund. Plus, in all likelihood, you are bound to soon receive a bulk shipment of clove, ginger, and turmeric, in addition to triple the previous amount of olive oil.

Q: I just want the product I ordered — I purchased unsalted butter. Why are you giving me so much olive oil and spices?

A: It’s just a glitch in our shipping system. Sometimes a package gets mailed to the wrong house, sometimes hordes and hordes of merchants drop off hand-crafted jugs and beakers of olive oils and rare spices.

 

Q: Please give me the butter I bought. Now there are merchants gathered around my house, cradling gallons of olive oil, dusting fine spices all over my front lawn. What should I do?

A: At this point things are out of your hands — in the next few days, the merchants will continue to grow in number, and caravans of camels will deliver thousands of large sacks of millet. They will likely expect you to consume the millet with gusto.

 

Q: My neighbors are complaining about the small village of barterers trading their fine silks and purple dyes in front of my house. How do I get rid of this marketplace?

A: Once the Phoenician merchants have constructed their fully-functioning bazaar, they will begin to establish their own city-state in the surrounding area. You must buy their wares to appease them.

 

Q: The merchants are angrily asking for things in return, but they won’t accept my currency.

A: Your currency is simply paper; our merchants only accept cattle and other forms of dowry.

 

Q: The merchants have realized I have nothing to offer them, and are chanting ancient pagan curses at me at all hours of the night. Should I be concerned?

A: No.

 

Q: Are they planning to stay permanently?
A: Once they’ve exhausted their wares, they will leave. However, they may return with barbaric mercenaries to steal your town’s women, or diseased cattle to poison your town’s wells.

 

Q: They have left, but I still haven’t received the original product I ordered.

A: Unfortunately, we are out of stock of butter. Would you like seven large buckets of fertile Euphrates soil instead?